‘The professional magician must always be ready for the unexpected, for who knows what magic might bring? Thus, one should always be prepared when performing sorcery, and have on hand a full knowledge of all the latest banishment spells, a good half-dozen well planned escape routes, and perhaps most important, a constant supply of clean linen in the guest room.’
THE TEACHING OF EBENEZUM, Volume IX
Oh, no. What had I done?
The shaking earth before me tore asunder, and from that rift in the ground rose a great oaken table, complete with five demons. This was far worse than I had thought. I had somehow summoned the entire dread legion of the Netherhells’ Conquest by Committee!
‘Point of order!’ the small, somewhat sickly looking demon at the end cried.
The much larger demon at table’s center pounded its gavel. ‘Yes, yes. What is it this time?’
‘Beg pardon,’ the small, sickly demon remarked in a voice so brash that no one, anywhere, at any time, would ever pardon anything it said. ‘Look around us. We don’t appear to be where we should be. I really thought someone should mention that.’
140 Craig Sha w Ga rdner
‘What do you mean?’ the gavel demon demanded. ‘We followed the most recent burst of wizardly energy, and here we are.’
The gavel demon was so busy glaring down at its shorter committee member that it had not bothered to study the surroundings. This, I thought, might be my chance. If the demonic committee was going to pause for a discussion, maybe there was time for a counterattack after all!
‘Beg pardon,’ the small sickly demon continued, ‘but there don’t appear to be any wizards.’ The demon smiled, totally self-satisfied. ‘I thought someone should mention that, too.’
The gavel demon looked about in astonishment. ‘By the Netherhells! For once our small, sickly member is correct. There don’t appear to be any wizards! Is this not then Vushta after all?’ The demon paused to look about suspiciously. ‘Careful now! This could be some sort of surface world trick.’
Oh, would that I did have a trick! Maybe, I thought, if I looked quickly, I might find something in my Home Study Course. But what?
‘Point of order!’ the small, sickly demon screamed.
The gavel demon looked at the other fiend with half-closed eyes. ‘You’ve already had your point of -‘
Small and sickly shook its head emphatically. ‘This is an entirely different one.’ It pointed its diminutive and pale hand across the field. ‘Isn’t that the former Grand Hoohah standing yonder?’
They had spotted Guxx! I would have to act quickly. I opened the Course to the index. But what to look under? Mayhaps ‘Demons, immobilized by magic’? I flipped to the back of the book.
‘Oh, my,’ the gavel demon murmured, nodding at the silent Guxx. It coughed politely, a truly unpleasant sound. ‘Excuse us, your immenseship.’ The gavel demon tried to smile. ‘Didn’t mean to bother you. Just passing through, don’t you know.’
Guxx, frozen immobile by magic, did not reply. I scanned the pages quickly, searching for ‘Demons, immobilized...”
‘Your magnificenceship?’ the gavel demon ventured. ‘Surely you understand.’
Guxx stood there like a statue. The gavel demon began to sweat. I looked down at my book again. I spied an entry for ‘Demons, immersed in syrup.’ I was getting close.
‘Your superiorship?’ The fiend fell to its knees. ‘Please give us a chance to explain!’
I quickly scanned the next entry. ‘Demons, immodesty at parties.’ But ‘immodest’ came after ‘immobile’! That meant the entry I was looking for did not exist!
I stared blankly at the book. The answer had to be in there somewhere. Didn’t it?
‘Point of order!’ the small demon yelled. ‘The Grand Hoohah hasn’t moved -‘
‘So what if the Grand Hoohah hasn’t moved?’ the gavel demon screamed hysterically. ‘If the Grand Hoohah doesn’t want to -‘
‘Beg pardon,’ the small fiend continued. ‘I believe he hasn’t moved because he cannot move. See how the birds flutter about him, as if he were a tree or standing stone. He appears to be frozen, perhaps by some diabolical surface spell.’
‘What are you ...” The gavel demon paused to peer at the immobile Guxx. At that very instant a sparrow alighted on the former Grand Hoohah’s nose.
‘Frozen?’ the gavel demon whispered.
Frozen! I thought. Of course! I quickly thumbed through the index to F.
‘I just thought someone should mention that,’ the sickly demon added with a grin.
‘Frozen. You don’t say. Frozen.’ The gavel demon wiped its brow and pounded its gavel. ‘Who cares about the old Grand Hoohah anyway? It is time for the committee to rule!’
Here it was! ‘Frozen demon, on a stick, page 212.” On a stick? Somehow, that didn’t sound right. Still, it was my only hope.
The large demon pounded the gavel again. ‘All in favor of attack?’
Four of the five demons raised their sharp and ugly claws. I would have to hurry before my blood was boiled!
‘Very well,’ the gavel demon rapped. ‘Majority -‘
‘Point of order!’ the small, sickly, dissenting demon shrieked.
It appeared that I might still have a moment. I quickly turned to page 212.
‘I am sorry,” the gavel demon said in a very loud voice that didn’t sound sorry at all, ‘but the vote does not have to be unanimous in a case like this.’
The sickly demon pulled a huge tome from beneath the table. ‘But it says right here in the Netherhells bylaws ...”
I had a tome of my own to look through. I found page 212 and quickly read through the text. Here it was!
‘FROZEN DEMON ON A STICK: For the wizard that enjoys entertaining, here’s the perfect end to a delightful meal -‘
I stopped reading. This wouldn’t do at all.
‘But there aren’t any wizards!’ the gavel demon screamed. ‘You said so yourself! Surely the rules are different when there aren’t any wizards!’
‘Point of -‘ the other demon began.
‘Oh, no, you don’t!’ the gavel fiend exclaimed. ‘The rest of us are going to attack without you!’
So this was it. There’d be no more time for the Home Study Course. I dropped my book and picked up my stout oak staff. I knew it wasn’t much protection against the might of the committee, but it was all I had. I hoped that with the help of the Brownie, who now stood on one side of me, and my ferret, who had emerged from the pack to stand on the other side, that we, together, might make an accounting.
‘Come, fellow demons,’ the gavel demon extolled. ‘It is time to boil blood!’
‘Oh, no, it isn’t!’ another voice boomed, high above me.
Who could it be? Demonic reinforcements, wishing to boil our blood even more efficiently than before? With some trepidation, I looked aloft.
‘Look out!’ cried the voice, both loud and deep. ‘Make way! Clear a path! Watch your heads!’
The voice belonged to Hubert the dragon, who carried the damsel Alea upon his back. The two of them appeared to be landing in our midst.
The demons scattered. Three of them took their table with them.
‘Thank you,’ Hubert said, once he had settled his huge dragon bulk on the ground. ‘We always do like to make an entrance.’
‘Point of order!’ the sickly demon interjected.
The gavel demon ignored the other’s cries, turning instead to the newcomers, its gavel raised above its head like a weapon. ‘How dare you tell the Committee of Conquest it isn’t time to boil blood!’
‘Simplicity itself,’ Hubert replied. ‘No matter what the occasion, without Damsel and Dragon it simply doesn’t happen!’
‘Doesn’t . . . happen?’ If the gavel demon had seemed upset before, now it was absolutely livid, the once rich blue of its scales turned a shiny purple. I had to admit that even I was taken aback by Hubert’s remarks, perhaps because I had never thought of boiling blood as an ‘occasion.’ Still, the arrival of Damsel and Dragon had, at the least, temporarily stopped the demonic attack. Perhaps I should give the Home Study Course another try.
‘I’ll show you what doesn’t happen!’ the gavel demon shrieked after it had managed to control its breathing.
‘Of course. Certainly,’ Hubert replied affably. ‘But first allow us to introduce ourselves. Damsel, if you would get me my hat?’
Alea reached into the satchel strapped to Hubert’s back and extracted a cylindrical purple hat with a snappy brim. She placed it firmly on Hubert’s head.
‘But -‘ the gavel demon began.
‘No buts about it,’ Hubert replied. ‘We have to get to know each other. And what better way to get acquainted than with a little song and dance?’
‘What?’ the gavel demon bellowed. ‘Don’t -‘
Damsel hopped down off the dragon’s back and Hubert began to sing:
‘The trouble with demons, as everybody knows,
Is when you stomp them, they squish between your toes.’
‘Between your toes!’ Damsel chorused. Hubert continued:
‘The trouble with demons, as everybody sees,
Is when you kick them, they splatter on your knees.’
‘Right on your knees!’ Damsel echoed.
The demons stared at them, open-mouthed, their yellowed teeth glinting in the sun. I would never have thought to neutralize a Netherhells attack with song and dance, especially a song and dance about squishing demons. Still, Hubert had told me many times: ‘There is no such thing as a hostile audience, only inadequate performers.’ Now, it seemed, he was out to prove his point.
The strange thing was, the song and dance worked. Maybe it was the newness of their performance, the incongruity of song and dance just before battle, the true horribleness of the dragon’s singing voice, or perhaps simple shock. Whatever combination of factors neutralized the demons, they only sat and stared, stupefied.
Let’s face it. Even I was dazzled by Damsel and Dragon’s fancy footwork. Mesmerized like the others, I completely forgot about my Home Study Course.
Damsel and dragon sang together:
‘They’re not much of a treat Because they’re no good to eat. Too spicy! And their claws, Will give your stomach pause. But the trouble demons do Is when a demon troubles you!’
‘ Yeah!’ Damsel and Dragon shouted. ‘So let’s give a little advice.’
Hubert waved his tail in Alea’s direction. ‘Take it, damsel!’
Alea launched into a series of complicated dance steps, much like I had seen the Brownie use when he was performing his magic.
‘Say, big fellow,’ she called out to Hubert. ‘Do you know why demons don’t accept jobs from dragons?’
‘Why, yes, Damsel!’ Hubert blew a smoke ring. ‘They’re always afraid of getting fired!’
They danced together for a moment, the dragon’s footsteps shaking the earth.
‘But tell me, Damsel,’ Hubert said at last. ‘I understand you’ll never date anyone from the fiery pits of the Netherhells.’
‘Yes, it’s true,’ Alea sighed. ‘It’s just that they keep reminding me of old flames.’
The two danced some more.
‘Say, Damsel,’ Hubert began.
‘Yes, Dragon -‘ Alea replied.
‘Do you know demons don’t like the surface world?’
‘No, but if you hum a few bars, I’ll fake it!’
When I look back on it now, I realize that line was where Damsel and Dragon went wrong. That final joke was far too old and far too horrible. It snapped the spell their impromptu show had cast. The demons simply couldn’t take it anymore.
‘Boil the dragon’s blood!’ they chorused as one.
‘I’m pretty hot-blooded already,’ Hubert quipped. ‘Comes from having a forest fire in your lungs.’ But the demons had all gathered behind their table and were staring intently at their adversary.
Hubert stumbled and almost fell on top of Alea. The Committee’s concentration was too much for him. His top hat fell from his head. He gamely tried to finish his routine, but his movements seemed to have more stagger and less dance in them with every passing moment.
I had to do something. But what? I had learned from bitter experience that the Home Study Course might not be the best resource when one was hurried. And I could think of no better reason to hurry than what was transpiring between Hubert and the demons.
‘Is it time for Brownie Power?’ Tap asked.
‘It’s time for anything!’ I cried. ‘Anything you can think of.’
Tap nodded grimly. ‘You want the works, you got it!’ He began to dance with purpose.
A dark brown cloud rolled in to fill the sky. The smallest demon shouted ‘Point of order!’ but the others were too busy boiling blood to listen.
Then it started to rain slippers, directly over the demonic committee.
‘Not enough!’ Tap grimaced. ‘Brownies do it better!’
He danced faster. The rain turned first to sandals, then to shiny shoes with buckles. A couple of the blood-boiling demons glanced up.
‘You’re getting to them!’ I shouted encouragingly.
Tap shook his tiny head. ‘Still not enough. Brownies do it best!’ He danced so fast that I could no longer see his feet.
The rain turned to thick, heavy boots.
The committee cried out in alarm, shielding their heads and staring up at the boot-laden sky. Hubert stood up and shook his large body. The spell had been broken!
‘All right, Damsel,’ he began. ‘Time for another chorus. A-one and a -‘ The dragon gasped.
I glanced back at the committee. They were once again concentrating their collective will on the dragon, the boots bouncing harmlessly from their brightly scaled bodies. Their demonic hides were too thick. Once the initial surprise was gone, they had returned immediately to boiling blood, knowing the shoes would do them no harm.
With a final groan, Hubert sank to his reptilian knees. Alea ran quickly out of the way as the dragon’s great bulk crashed to the ground.
‘Not enough,’ Tap gasped. ‘Brownie Power not . . .’ And he, too, fell to the ground, beyond dancing another step. The boots stopped falling. The demonic committee stood behind their table, directing their unanimous blood-boiling stare at the quickly fading dragon.
The Brownie had failed. It was up to me. If Hubert was to live, I would have to distract them. Somehow. I ran towards the table, the loudest scream I could muster upon my lips.
‘Die, fiend!’ I shouted as I swung my stout oak staff.
‘Beg pardon,’ the small, sickly demon replied as it deftly ducked beneath my blow, ‘but I think not.’ And it picked up the huge volume of Netherhells bylaws to defend itself.
I backed away from the massive weight swinging in the demon’s hands. Would that I had brought my own Home Study Course and we could have fought book to book. As it was, my stout oak staff was no match for the heavy tome. One swing of the bylaws and my weapon snapped in two!
‘Point of order!’ the sickly demon screamed as it leapt atop me to press the amazingly heavy tome against my chest. I was pinned instantly against the ground, as if I had the bulk of the mighty Hendrek pushed into me. I couldn’t breathe! I would be crushed to death by the Netherhells bylaws!
The demon on my chest cackled. ‘The vote is unanimous, and the final results are dea -‘ The demon’s sentence ended in a surprised screech.
‘Eep! Eep!’ came the answering screech of my ferret, who leapt straight for the fiend’s astonished countenance. The demon fell backwards in shock, and the bylaws slid from my chest.
I did not move for a moment, attempting to regain my breath. I turned my head and saw that Alea kneeled by the fallen Hubert.
‘Oh,’ Alea sobbed. ‘What can we do?’
‘I will die ... performing!’ Hubert replied with a groan. ‘It is the way ... it should be! Hit it, Damsel!
Alea began to dance before Hubert’s prostrate body as the dragon sang as best he could:
‘The trouble with . . . demons,’ Hubert gasped, ‘as ... everyone believes, is that . . . they don’t go well . . . with crackers . . . and they don’t ... go well . . . with . . . cheese.’
‘Not good with cheese!’ Alea chorused with tears in her eyes. Hubert would go to his death a showdragon!
The demons chortled behind their table. They knew when they were winning. And Hubert was by far the strongest among us. Only his dragon fire had any hope against the combined demonic might of the Netherhells committee. With Hubert defeated, they would destroy the rest of us in less time than it took to say ‘Point of order!’ Nothing could save us now!
Then Guxx Unfufadoo began to sneeze.
‘Demons are sadly lacking in the social graces. They are just as likely to eat you with the salad fork as with the proper utensil, and after they’ve gobbled up two or three humans, they seldom even cover their mouths when they belch. Still, if you insist on inviting a demon to your next gathering, it will make for a fascinatingly different party, especially if you seat some of your least favorite guests on the demon’s side of the table.’
ASK EBENEZUM: THE WIZARD’S GUIDE TO PERFECT ETIQUETTE, fourth edition
It took me a moment to comprehend what had happened. Guxx had suddenly, miraculously, recovered from his frozen state. At first I had no idea why. Then I realized that the former Grand Hoohah only sneezed when exposed to poetry. And that, after a fashion, is just what Damsel and Dragon had given him in their ‘Trouble with Demons’ song.
Damsel and Dragon had assaulted Guxx’s frozen ears with rhyme after rhyme, so that at last his sorcerous malady had overwhelmed whatever spell I had laid upon him, the stronger magick winning out in the end. I was sure, though, that the crucial moment came during the dragon’s last verse, the one that paired ‘believes’ with ‘cheese.’ Almost a good rhyme, but not quite; the sort of poetry Guxx used to thrive on!
‘Point of order!’ the small demon screamed as it pointed at the sneezing Guxx.
‘I see it!’ the gavel demon replied. ‘I think this situation calls for a brief conference.’ The five demons huddled together.
Slowly Guxx was recovering. The sneezes were becoming fewer and further between. The former dictator of all the Netherhells staggered over to the still-frozen Brax.
‘Begin!’ Guxx rumbled in the other’s ear.
Brax blinked, and began to beat his drum.
‘Guxx Unfufadoo, noblest demon, Greets this group of demon traitors, Has one question for these demons: How would they like to be murdered?’
‘Murdered?’ the small, sickly demon ventured. ‘How about’ ‘Not very much” ?’
Guxx pointed a quivering claw at the small demon and yelled again in Brax’s ear: ‘Continue!’
Brax beat and Guxx intoned:
‘Guxx informs you: He can eat you; He can rend you; he can tear you; He can squash you; he can stomp you. ‘ ‘Not very much” is not an option!’
‘All in favor of retreat!’ the gavel demon exclaimed.
The Committee disappeared before they could even take a vote.
Quiet descended over the field, the only sound the muted beating of Brax’s drum.
‘They’re gone?’ Hubert sniffed. ‘Oh, well. They weren’t much of an audience.’ The dragon tipped his hat in my direction. ‘Still, you can’t say we didn’t give them their money’s worth.’
‘Oh, Wuntie!’ Alea ran towards me across the field, her long blond hair streaming behind her in the wind. ‘You were so brave, facing those demons all by yourself!’
‘Hey!’ a weak voice said by my feet. ‘What about me?’ The Brownie seemed to be recovering, too. ‘Don’t I count for something? Well’ - the small fellow paused, then added in a whisper - ‘maybe I don’t.’
‘Eep eep!’ my ferret commented.
But Alea only had eyes for me. She was approaching rapidly, her arms outstretched to embrace me. My throat suddenly felt very dry.
‘It certainly was dramatic there for a few minutes,’ Hubert mused. ‘What do you call that staring routine of theirs?’
I told the dragon they referred to it as boiling blood.
‘Boiling blood?’ Hubert nodded his approval. ‘Ithasaring to it. I wonder if we could incorporate “the dying dragon” into our act. What pathos!’
And in that instant Alea was upon me.
‘Oh, Wuntie!’ she whispered as her form pushed against mine.
‘Um,’ I replied. Before I could say more, her lips were covering my own.
‘You were so brave back there,’ Alea gushed between kisses. ‘So bold, so ... so foolhardy!’ Her lips swept in for another attack, but I managed to dodge them long enough to wriggle from her grasp.
‘Alea!’ I gasped.’ Please!’ I did my best to catch my breath. ‘We are on a quest!’
‘But that’s just it!’ She smiled fiercely. ‘There’s something about a man who. . .who. . .throws himself at danger!’
I saw fire in the damsel’s eyes. I took a step away. Alea managed to reach out and catch my wrist anyway. This was too much. Didn’t she realize the importance of our mission?
‘I’m sorry, Alea,’ I insisted, disentangling myself again from her embrace. ‘Whatever you have in mind, the quest must come first.’
‘Is that so?’ She smiled meaningfully at me as she stepped even closer than she had been before. ‘Well, my bold’ - she paused to ruffle my hair - ‘quester. Perhaps while we are’ - she paused to rub her shoulder against mine -‘questing, we will at last get a little time to spend’ - her hand drifted down from my head, grazing my neck and spine -‘together.’
‘Um,’ I remarked. ‘Uh . . . indeed.’ I had the feeling that her definition of questing might be somewhat different from my own.
‘ No w that P m with you,’ she added,’ I’m not even afraid of being baked into bread.’
‘Baked into bread?’ a small voice piped from near my feet.
Alea nodded. ‘That’s what they do to you in the Eastern Kingdoms.’
‘Why would they do that?’ Tap inquired.
‘So that the giants can eat you,’ Alea answered.
‘Oh,’ Tap replied. Somehow, he didn’t seem to be his old self. The smile was gone from his voice, the bounce from his step. And perhaps most shocking of all: since his shoe defeat, he hadn’t even referred to Brownie Power.
‘Recommence!’ Guxx shouted from the spot where he stood, halfway across the field. Brax rebeat his drum.
‘Guxx Unfufadoo, noble leader, Tells you “ Have no fear of giants!” Follow me to Eastern Kingdoms, And my claws will shred their ovens!’
Guxx roared as he finished the verse, sweeping his extremely long, extremely sharp claws through the air for effect. I knew what this meant. He wanted to take over the quest!
Guxx glowered meaningfully in my direction. What could I do? I no longer had even my stout oak staff for protection.
‘ Uh,’ I remarked. I wondered if there might be a way I could quickly glance through the Home Study Course without raising the demon’s suspicions.
A great shadow fell over me. I looked up to see Hubert, who casually blew a smoke ring in Guxx’s general direction.
‘I think not,’ the dragon replied softly. ‘Wuntvor is the leader of our quest. We follow him.’
‘Reassert!’ Guxx screamed. Brax continued his rhythmic accompaniment.
‘Guxx Unfufadoo, natural leader, Does not follow any human, Leads the bravest into battle, Eats any who disobey him!’
The demon paused to show his teeth.
‘I trust that is your final word.’ Hubert coughed gently, then inhaled and removed his top hat.
‘Proceed!’ Guxx added. Brax took his drum and proceeded.
‘Guxx Unfufadoo, never beaten, Leads no matter what the dragon -‘
Two great gouts of flame burst from Hubert’s nostrils, searing a patch of ground mere inches from Guxx’s toes. Brax lost the beat, jumping away from the fire with a yelp. Guxx stared down at the charred earth for a moment before concluding his verse.
‘. . . Then again, there is no reason, Not to hear some more discussion.’
‘Bravo,’ the dragon replied. ‘And our reasoned discussion should begin with our leader, Wuntvor.’ He glanced down at me. ‘Well, Wuntvor? Anythingyou want.’
Guxx grumbled darkly, but madeno furthermove. Hubert had given the quest back to me, and I knew exactly what I wanted. No, as much as I yearned to rest and put a good meal in my belly, there was something we all needed more:
I had to contact Ebenezum!
‘ I must be alone for a moment,’ I said, much more solemnly than I felt.
Guxx glared again at the scorched grass, then paced away from the others. Brax followed at a distance, obviously fearful of his master’s mood. I turned to Hubert and thanked him for his efforts.
‘Think nothing of it,’ the dragon said with a toss of his head. ‘We know where our interest lies. After all, when was the last time you saw a demon applaud?’ He chuckled derisively. ‘They have no appreciation at all of the vaudevillian arts.’
The vaudevillian arts? I wasn’t too sure if I had any appreciation of those myself, but I thought it rude to mention that thought to a dragon who had so recently saved me. Instead I asked Hubert and Alea to leave me with the Brownie.
Damsel and Dragon readily agreed.
‘Come on, Tap,’ I said to the small fellow by my foot. ‘It’s time for Brownie Power.’
Tap frowned up at me. ‘Are you sure?’
This was far worse than I thought. I had to be careful not to frown back at the Brownie. How would my master handle something like this?
‘Certainly,’ I replied with a cheerful smile. ‘Don’t you remember, Brownies do it better?’
Tap turned to stare at the ground.’ Do they?’
This was not going to be as easy as I had hoped.
‘Of course they do!’ I knelt down and patted the Brownie’s back with my index finger. ‘Didn’t you tell me that Brownies have it all?’
‘All of what?’ Tap looked up at me and sighed. ‘Somehow, none of it seems to matter anymore. I failed. I. . . I couldn’t save you with my shoes.’
‘Indeed?’ I replied. ‘But we are still here and safe, aren’t we?’
Tap nodded mutely.
‘And we’re here in part becauseof your braveefforts. Your shoe attack gave Hubert enough time to sing his final verse, the verse that reawoke Guxx and, ultimately, saved us all.’
The Brownie paused in thought. ‘Then Brownie Power didn’t fail you?’
‘No, it just worked in a way we didn’t expect.’ Like everything else that has happened to me since leaving the Western Woods, I added to myself. I remembered what Ebenezum had said about my leading a charmed life. I thought again about what Death had told me abut the Eternal Apprentice.
‘So you see,’ I added aloud, ‘now you have saved my life more than once.’
‘I ... I have, haven’t I?’ Tap’s voice was filled with wonder.
‘Indeed,’ I added. ‘Never fear. Brownies have their proper place in the scheme of things.’
‘And an important place it is, too!’ Tap added, the old verve back in his voice. ‘That’s Brownie Power!’
‘Indeed it is,’ I coaxed. ‘The same Brownie Power with which we’re going to contact Ebenezum!’ ‘You need to contact Ebenezum?’ Tap laughed. ‘Well why didn’t you say so? ‘Tis time for Brownie magic!’
‘Indeed,’I replied.
Tap began a dance even more complicated than the one he used for the rain of shoes. A breeze sprang up from nowhere, lifting the dirt and dead leaves into a tall, brown cloud that circled around us like a wall so that we were hidden from the eyes of others. But the cloud kept its distance, so that I had no trouble breathing and Tap could continue his dance.
Tap winked up at me. ‘Are you ready?’
Somewhere in the far, far distance, I heard a sneeze. A wizardly sneeze.
‘ Indeed!’ my master’ s voice called, faint but clear.’ Be with you in a second!’
The wall about us intensified, turning from the color of yellow mud to that of dark, rich earth. Then suddenly, directly in front of the spot where Tap was dancing, there appeared a point of light upon the wall. The Brownie whistled and cheered as his feet flew from step to step.
The light grew, filling fully half the circle in which we were enclosed, and I realized I was looking at the courtyard of the Wizards College at Vushta, just as I had left it, except for one thing.
In the center of the yard was a giant shoe.
‘Now that’s Brownie Power!’ Tap exclaimed.
‘Indeed?’ the shoe replied. ‘You wished to speak with me, Wuntvor?’
It was my master, the great wizard Ebenezum!
‘What happens when you encounter a gigantic and hideous creature who sports huge fangs and claws and breathes great streams of flame? May I suggest that you make friends as quickly as possible.’
THE TEACHINGS OF EBENEZUM, Volume XXIIV
It took me a moment to collect my thoughts.
‘I’d appreciate it,’ Tap mentioned as he madly moved his feet, ‘if the two of you would communicate. I’ve already learned once today’ - the Brownie gasped in air - ‘that I cannot dance forever.’
‘Certainly,’ I replied, a bit abashed. I realized I was having some trouble addressing the wizard in his shoe disguise. I shouldn’t have been surprised, really. Ebenezum and the Brownie had used the protective abilities of the giant shoe once before, when the wizard and I found ourselves in the midst of a union meeting of mythical monsters, a magical situation my master could only survive from within the protective shoe leather. Now Ebenezum was called on to confront magic from a great distance. Under the circumstances, the enclosing shoe made perfect sense.
Still, I had looked forward to seeing my master’s long white beard and stately robes, tastefully embroidered with silver moons and stars. Somehow, talking to a shoe was nowhere near as reassuring.
‘Um . . .’ I began.
‘Yes, Wunt?’ my master-inside-the-shoe prompted. Where should I start? So much had happened since I had left Vushta. Perhaps I should begin with the attack by the Netherhells. Or mayhaps it was more important to reveal Guxx’s startling turnabout when he joined the quest.
Instead I decided to tell him about my meeting with Death.
‘Indeed?’ my master remarked when I was finished. ‘That could explain a great many things. When you left Vushta so suddenly, I felt there must be some deeper reason. That was why I sent the Brownie after you. But Death called you the Eternal Apprentice?’
The shoe paused and rocked back on its heel. ‘Death is an enigma, Wunt. His power is one of the most natural things in the world, the ending of life. Still, few wizards of repute have endeavored to study Death’s power, for fear of what that knowledge might bring. Thus, while Death is with us every day, we know little of his true nature. However, the very concept of an Eternal Apprentice is a fascinating conjecture.’ The shoe’s laces wriggled as if the wizard was moving about inside. ‘Indeed. I will have to think on it. In the meantime, Wuntvor, you seem to be following the best path. Do you wish any further advice?’
I wished any and all advice the wizard could give me, so I told him about Guxx, and our recent altercation with the Netherhells.
‘I see.’ The whole shoe appeared to nod solemnly. ‘It sounds like an uneasy alliance at best. And yet if Death is correct in his accusations, Guxx has joined you as another companion, a situation that could work to your advantage.’
The shoe creaked as Ebenezum no doubt leaned forward against the leather. Did I see his steel-gray eyes studying me through the eyelets?
The Brownie waved his tiny hands in my direction. ‘I hate to bring . . . this up, fellows,’ he managed, breathing heavily, ‘but this Brownie’s power has . . . almost worn . . . through.’
Now that he mentioned it, I noticed that Tap’s once fancy footwork was becoming more of a shuffle than a dance. The magic image of Ebenezum’s shoe flickered and began to grow indistinct around the heel.
‘Very well,’ my master continued. ‘We shall hurry. Wuntvor, one part of Death’s story seems to be correct, and that is his information about companions. According to what you have told me, you left Vushta hurriedly because it seemed that the entire town wanted to accompany you. That was apparently the case, for moments after we realized you had disappeared, everyone who desired to join your quest had disappeared as well. I fear, Wuntvor, that half of Vushta is following you upon the road, wishing to be your companion.’
I was quite taken aback. It appeared that this quest might get somewhat larger than I had at first anticipated.
And then the true meaning of the wizard’s statement sank in.
‘Everyone?’ I breathed, almost fearful of considering the possibility. Could my master mean that Norei was rushing to join me as well? I had almost given up hope, but now Tap stumbled and almost fell. He slowly dragged his feet back and forth, as if they were made of lead. The shoe was fading.
‘Whoever plans to meet you, I am sure you will see them soon enough,’ Ebenezum continued quickly. ‘We need to discuss strategy, and I fear that the Brownie cannot dance forever. I believe that my fellow wizards have recovered sufficiently to best that demonic committee one more time. We shall try to draw the next Netherhells attack here, a ploy that, if nothing else, will serve to further confuse them and give you time to finish your quest. That’s the advantage to fighting committees, you know; the chance of confusion increases in direct relation to the number of committee members. But make haste, Wuntvor. Enlist Mother Duck to our cause and we will be able to defeat the Netherhells forever!’
‘That’s it!’ the Brownie gasped, falling on his face. Ebenezum disappeared, and the brown dirt wall settled to the ground. That meant it was time for action.
I cheered heartily. My companions all looked at me with some surprise.
‘No time for sleeping!’ I scooped the Browne up in my palm and beckoned with my free hand to Guxx and Brax, Damsel and Dragon. ‘Onwards, fellow beings. We seek the Eastern Kingdoms!’
I quickly gathered up my pack, once again containing both ferret and Home Study Course. I left the remains of my stout oak staff behind; I would find a replacement along the way. I began to whistle one of Damsel and Dragon’s ditties. All was right with the world. Norei was following me!
I heard a rustling in the bushes behind me. Could it be? Would my prayers be answered so soon?
I turned and walked quickly toward the dense underbrush. ‘Is it you?’ I whispered.
I got no reply, save the sound of heavy breathing. It did not sound like Norei. And yet, what if she had run all the way from Vushta to be with me? Would not her breath be labored as she tried to draw air into her sweet lungs?
Perhaps she was afraid to step out and meet me when she was not yet at her best. But now that she was so close, I could not bear to wait another moment without her! I would have to coax her out of hiding.
‘Are you in there?’ I murmured softly.
Was it my imagination, or did the breathing get louder?
‘If you’ve come all this way, why not come out and see me?’ The bushes rustled again. Was she coming out at last?
‘Come on, now,’ I prompted. ‘You know how much I’ve missed you.’
And with that, a head forced its way through the undergrowth; a head topped by a golden horn.
‘How long I have waited for you to say that!’ The unicorn stared at me with its large, limpid eyes. ‘Others of my kind might have scoffed at me, for galloping after you all the way from Vushta. But you should know by now that you are one of the few mortals for which I would’ - the unicorn paused, tossing its splendid head so that its horn shone in the sun - ‘work up a sweat.’
‘Well,’ I replied, a bit taken aback. This had not quite worked out as I had planned. ‘But you don’t understand. You see, I thought -‘
The unicorn glanced past my shoulder at my other companions, who had turned to watch us.
‘I see now,’ the magnificent beast whispered conspira-torially. ‘You’re shy about sharing your feelings in front of all your friends. I understand perfectly. Unicorns know all about shyness.’ It nudged me gently with its golden horn. ‘We’ll talk about this later’ - the beast snorted briefly in the direction of the others - ‘when we’re alone.’
‘Indeed.’ I cleared my throat and turned to face the others. ‘The unicorn has volunteered to join our quest!’
No one seemed particularly excited by the prospect of the unicorn ally, but then no one objected, either. I turned east and waved for the others to follow.
‘What we need,’ Hubert called from where he lumbered along behind me, ‘is a good marching song. The sort of thing to lift the spirits and make the miles fly by!’
Alea looked up at him: ‘Were you thinking of singing number 126?’
‘A perfect choice!’ the dragon agreed ‘Shall we? Once you learn the chorus, everyone, feel free to join in.’
Damsel and Dragon began to sing:
‘If we are bold, if we are brave,
If we believe in true romance,
If we are questing, with a world to save,
We’ll save it all with song and dance!
If we are mighty, if we are true,
If we are to win the battle long,
How can we conquer? What can we do,
Unless we do it first with dance and -‘
Guxx ran in front of the singing, dancing couple, dragging Brax behind him. ‘Now!’ he screamed above the din of the song.
Brax regained his feet and started to beat.
‘Guxx Unfufadoo, reasoned demon, Asks that you would cease your singing, Asks if you could stop your rhyming, Asks if we might walk in silence.’
The demon blew his nose for emphasis.
‘What?’ the dragon cried happily. ‘But you just haven’t gotten into the spirit of the thing. It gets better as it goes along. Listen to this.’
Damsel and Dragon sang together:
‘If we are brave, if we are bold, If we believe that truth just grows, Then come on and do what you’re told. Bring a song to battle and tap those toes!’
‘Continue!’ Guxx screamed in response. Brax pounded on his drum.
‘Guxx Unfufadoo, annoyed demon, Demands you stop this caterwauling, Demands you spend this trip in silence, Or there will be some retribution!’
‘Did someone say something, Damsel?’ Hubert inquired.
‘Not that I heard, Dragon,’ Alea replied as she pirouetted.
‘Oh, well.’ Hubert blew a smoke ring in the shape of a fly. ‘Must have been an insect somewhere. But we have another verse!’
‘We have hundreds of verses!’ Damsel added. And they sang again:
‘If we are true, if we are mighty, You’ll hear us singing down the street, Come on now and don’t be flighty, Just come with us and slap those fee -‘
‘Overwhelm!’ Guxx shrieked in a voice so loud that it shook the trees.
166 Brax pounded on the drum with renewed force.
‘Guxx Unfufadoo, enraged demon, Informs those who still are singing, Soon enough they’ll find those voices, Stomped to bits by feet of demons!’
‘Damsel?’ Hubert remarked. ‘I feel another verse coming on.’
‘Indeed!’ I yelled over everyone. ‘I’ve had enough . . .’ I paused and coughed to get my voice back down to a reasonable level. ‘I’ve had enough of your petty arguing. This is a quest, and we’re all on it together. Therefore, for that period of time remaining before we reach the Eastern Kingdoms, I demand that there be no more vaudevillian singing or Netherhells declaiming! Anyone who doesn’t agree is free to leave the quest. Is that understood?’
Guxx and Hubert glowered at each other, but both continued to walk with the rest of our party.
The unicorn trotted up to my side and tossed its magnificent mane.
‘I’ve never seen this side of you before,’ the golden horned beast murmured close to my ear. ‘It’s quite a revelation.’ Its dark, soulful eyes looked deep into my own. ‘Oh, I love it when you talk tough!’
I noticed that all the others in our band were watching me again.
‘Maybe,’ Alea nodded to Hubert, ‘he’s going to be a wizard after all.’
I walked on ahead. The others followed. They were beginning to truly accept my leadership. Alea said I would be a wizard after all. And for a minute I believed her, at least until we came to that next clearing; the one with the big painted sign:
You are in the vicinity of
THE EASTERN KINGDOMS
Are you sure you want to be?
The Brownie climbed onto my shoulder to get a better look. ‘What does that mean?’
‘I think,’ Alea answered, ‘it has something to do with giants baking bread.’
‘Nonsense,’ I replied. I didn’t want their spirits to plummet now, when we were so close. ‘There could be any number of meanings to that sign.’
‘Like what?’ the Brownie asked.
I couldn’t think of an answer.
From deep within the trees behind the sign, another voice spoke.
‘Doom,’ it said.
‘Why are wizards your friends? Surely it is because they are reputed to be able to create vast sums of gold from the empty air. You do not agree? Then it must be because they can predict with astonishing accuracy the next visit of the royal tax collector or the royal mother-in-law. Still no? Then you must certainly agree that it must be that they have been rumored to take those people with whom they are not friendly, and turn those individuals into mice and swine? Surely you see my point of view by now. Let me put it to you this way: Would you rather oink for a living?’
excerpted from the lecture series ‘Why Wizards Are Your Friends,’
given in part by Ebenezum, greatest wizard in the Western Kingdoms.
(See footnote)
‘Doom.’
I would know that deep, resonant voice anywhere. ‘Are we just going to stand around in the bushes all day?’ another, infinitely more grating voice added. ‘I didn’t come on this quest to spend my days standing in shrubbery!’ I knew the second voice as well.
Footnote: The above lecture was, unfortunately, never completed, due to an altercation in the audience, some of whom had been turned into swine.
There was a great crashing and banging in the bushes. I saw the doomed warclub Headbasher flash through the green.
The warrior Hendrek emerged a moment later. ‘Doom,’ he remarked. ‘I cleared a path.’
The truth-telling demon Snarks followed him out. ‘I don’t see why you bother using that club of yours. Why don’t you just push your way through? Any bush would have to yield to your greater size.’
‘Doom,’ Hendrek replied.
‘Indeed,’ I interjected. ‘I am glad to see you as well. You have come to join our quest?’
‘Well, it was better than spending all our time around a bunch of sneezing wizards,’ Snarks answered. ‘Plus, this questing thing tends to get in your blood. Hendrek and I both felt it was time to go out and rescue something. It’s much better than sitting on your hands in Vushta, especially considering the unwelcome small fry that have been showing up lately. Any chance to get away from -‘ Snarks stopped and stared. ‘What’s that on your shoulder?’
‘Brownie Power!’ Tap called out.
The demon turned a slightly lighter shade of green. ‘Maybe I enjoyed standing in the bushes after all.’
Tap, seeing the demon’s distress, hopped off my shoulder and skipped toward Snarks. ‘I haven’t been feeling quite myself lately, either,’ the Brownie admitted. ‘Now that you’re here, though, everything’s going to be as happy as a Brownie jamboree!’
‘I was afraid of that,’ Snarks moaned.
For once I sympathized with the demon. As much as it pleased me to see Tap’s spirits returning, I feared that even I would not be capable of surviving a Brownie jamboree.
‘Doom.’ Hendrek lifted his dread warclub Headbasher. He had seen Guxx.
Guxx had seen Hendrek and Snarks as well. He poked at Brax with a pointy claw.
‘Begin!’
‘Indeed,’ I remarked as Brax picked up his drum. ‘You remember what I said about anybody who sang or declaimed on the quest?’
Brax stopped beating. Guxx glared at me for an instant, then whispered in the other demon’s ear.
Brax cleared his throat when the former Grand Hoohah was done. ‘My ruler would like to tell you the following.’ Brax smiled uneasily. ‘Let’s see. Guxx Unfufadoo, noble demon . . . um, that he certainly is ... um, sought to greet our new companions, sought to tell them he was friendly . . . and, uh . . . oh, he sought to welcome them to questing.’
Hubert snorted derisively. ‘That sounds an awful lot like declaiming to me.’
‘Indeed!’ I exclaimed, before this could go any further. ‘This arguing is going to get in the way of our quest. Perhaps I have been too harsh. A little modest declaiming might be in order after all.’
‘Agreement!’ Guxx shouted. Brax began to beat his drum.
Hubert snorted a short burst of flame. Brax stopped beating, glancing apprehensively at the vaudevillian lizard above him.
‘No,’ the dragon insisted. ‘If he gets to declaim, we get to sing and dance.’
Alea looked up at her partner. ‘What did you have in mind?’
Hubert paused a minute to consider. ‘How about number 216?’
‘ “The Demon Slaughter Polka”?’ Damsel nodded approvingly. ‘Well, it’s certainly bouncy enough.’
‘Indeed!’ I interrupted quickly. Somehow, this was getting out of hand all over again. ‘No singing, no declaiming. The edict stands.’
Snarks and Hendrek both looked at me.
‘Doom,’ the large warrior whispered. ‘ “The Demon Slaughter Polka”? I thought we were all supposed to be friends on this quest.’
‘How can you possibly make friends with a dragon who sings?’ Snarks asked. He glanced at the former Grand Hoohah. ‘For that matter, who could possibly trust a demon politician?’
I told Snarks and Hendrek how Guxx had come to join us. I also mentioned that Guxx and the dragon had had a small difference of opinion. But I also thought again about what Death had told me when we met. He had sent friend against friend back in Vushta to get me to meet him alone. Now I heard dissension all around me once more. Could Death be intensifying our quarrels to ruin our quest? If so, he must still be following our progress, something that I should never forget, even when we were being attacked by demons.
I shuddered to think what would happen if Death did get me alone.
‘Wait a moment,’ Snarks queried. ‘Guxx joined you because he thought you were the Eternal Apprentice?’
‘Doom,’ Hendrek remarked.
‘It is a frightening thought,’ Snarks echoed. ‘Eternal Apprentice, huh? Does that mean you’ll have those same pimples throughout the rest of time?’
‘Indeed,’ I remarked, somewhat distracted. ‘I think not.’ I was their leader now. I would have to act like one. How would Ebenezum handle this? I stroked my chin in thought.
‘Indeed,’ I said again. ‘What we really need here is some strategy. The Brownie and I recently contacted Ebenezum -‘
‘That’s Brownie Power!’ Tap exclaimed from where he ran by our sides. I looked down at the little fellow. He seemed to be his old dancing, smiling self at last. Both my talk with the Brownie and his summoning of Ebenezum seemed to help him, although for a while he looked as if he might still slide back into despair. Now, though, the arrival of Snarks seemed to have revived his spirits completely.
The demon Snarks shivered visibly as the Brownie approached. I ignored both of them and continued. ‘. . . and when I spoke with Ebenezum, the wizard told me that many of our allies in Vushta are coming on their own to join this quest.’ I nodded first towards the unicorn - keeping its distance from the others, but still a member of our party - then at Hubert, Alea, and the Brownie. ‘Of course, we have also been joined by two denizens of the Netherhells, but it is almost impossible to even approach Guxx and Brax without being assaulted by unrhyming verse. Talking strategy is completely out of the question. Damsel and Dragon, I am afraid, are almost as hopeless -‘
‘Theater people,’ Snarks agreed.
‘Doom,’ Hendrek added.
‘But now that I have been joined by those who were my companions on our successful campaign to rescue Vushta, I feel strategy is a priority. Especially because we are already on the edge of the Eastern Kingdoms.’ I nodded at the large warning sign.
Hendrek read it. ‘Doom,’ he concurred.
‘But come, we must resume our march. It grows dark.
We should get as close to our goal as possible!’ I waved for the others to follow us, and they did so. There were enough of them by now to form a substantial line. I led them down the trail into the next wooded area, with Snarks and Hendrek still by my side.
I realized, then, that they had accepted me as their leader. But why wasn’t I happier about this turn of events? As soon as I asked myself the question, I knew the answer. I would not be happy with anything until I knew the whereabouts of one more traveler from Vushta - one who was dearer to me than all the others I had left behind. Still, how could I broach the subject without letting my emotions interfere with my leadership? But I must know!
I would ask, I decided, but I would do so casually.
‘Now, as to strategy,’ I continued, the soul of casualness. ‘Our first priority, I would think, would be to assess our strengths. We have gathered quite a complement together on this march, and we may even be joined by more. Tell me’ - my voice caught in my throat for a second as I asked the next question - ‘is anyone else coming from Vushta to join us?’
Snarks and Hendrek both shook their heads.
‘No one?’ I prompted easily. How could they have forgotten Norei?
‘Doom,’ Hendrek replied. ‘We are the slowest of those to follow you. We are the last.’
‘It wouldn’t have happened if this large fellow had followed my diet and exercise guides,’ Snarks added. ‘But he won’t listen to me. Nobody listens to me. And we could only lumber so fast after you.’
It occurred to me, then, that perhaps Norei hadn’t followed after all. But that couldn’t possibly be!
‘Are you sure there was nobody else?’ I insisted.
‘Planning to join you here?’ Hendrek shook his massive head with finality. ‘None that we passed.’
This was terrible! After what Ebenezum had said, I had simply assumed that Norei would join us, and looked forward to at last explaining those few small misunderstandings that had happened between us recently. But what if she truly did not want to see me again? Would I never get the chance to tell her that I might be the Eternal Apprentice?
But I had to get hold of myself. This wasn’t the way for a leader to act. I had no time to pine for lost love. I had to stride boldly forward, vanquishing foes and righting wrongs, making the world safe for Vushta and magicians everywhere. So what if Norei was gine from my life forever?
‘Indeed,’ I said one final time. ‘Are you sure there was absolutely nobody else?’
‘I think it’s time for a new question,’ Snarks retorted. ‘Something that relates more to the quest, like, “What’s your favorite color?” ‘
‘Doom.’ Hendrek looked back at me and frowned. ‘Why do you keep asking?’
‘Indeed,’ I replied to give myself a chance to think. Despite my best efforts, my feelings about Norei were taking their toll on my supervision of the quest. Would it weaken my leadership even further if I were to admit how much I missed her? Perhaps I was becoming too strident in my questioning. I recalled that when I first decided to broach this subject, I had resolved to be as easygoing as possible.
So far I had failed miserably.
I took a deep breath. I would simply have to appear even more casual, and everything would be fine.
I looked casually at Snarks and Hendrek. ‘I don’t know,’ I began, scratching casually behind my ear. ‘I was just. . . curious.’ I yawned even more casually. ‘There were some others we might be able to use. For example, how about’ - I paused, casually picking a name out of the air - ‘Norei.’
‘Oh!’ Snarks exclaimed. ‘That’s right! Your heartthrob. How could we forget -‘
‘Doom,’ Hendrek interrupted the demon. ‘Norei will definitely not be joining us.’
What? Norei not joining us as at all? All casualness left me as I demanded how Hendrek could be so sure.
I Snarks spoke up first. ‘I’m afraid this is one time the immense one here is right. We passed her on the way here.’ So they had seen her. That meant she was on the road to the Eastern Kingdoms! But what they said made no sense. Why had they told me
I ‘Doom.’ Hendrek spoke before I had a chance to frame a question. ‘She has too much pride to join you. Not after, as she told us, what happened in Vushta. She will, however, | follow at a respectful distance in case you get into trouble.’ ‘Indeed?’ I said. I did not know what to feel. One part of me was overjoyed that she cared enough about me to hover near, ready to protect us should disaster strike. But another part of me despaired of ever speaking to her again. And if I never spoke to her again, how could I possibly explain what had really happened? ‘Doom,’ I whispered.
‘Hey!’ a gruff voice retorted. ‘Watch where you’re going!’
‘What?’ I said. It was hard to make out shapes in the gathering gloom. But it was true that in my grief over losing Norei, I had not watched my feet, and thus had walked into and toppled what appeared to be a pile of short pieces of wood.
‘Who’s there?’I called.
There was no further response. The woods around us were deadly still.
‘Doom,’ Hendrek explained. ‘It appears to be another sign.’
I realized the large warrior was not speaking metaphorically when I looked where he pointed with his club. While I wasn’t paying attention, we had walked into another small clearing. In the center of that clearing, just beyond the lumber I had disturbed, was another large expanse of white wood. The light was fading around us more rapidly than I had realized, but I could still barely make out the words:
It’s not all that far to
THE EASTERN KINGDOMS
Sure you don’t want to turn back now?
‘Friendly sort,’ Snarks remarked.
‘Doom,’ Hendrek added again.
‘But we’re not turning back. We are almost to our goal.’ I glanced at the woods around us, completely black in the descending darkness. ‘I think - it is time at last to make camp. It is too dark to go farther.’
‘Doom,’ Hendrek repeated, glowering out at those same woods. ‘There is something out there.’
He was right. We had all heard the gruff voice in the dark. I kicked at the wood by my feet. ‘Use this to build a fire. We will take turns at sentry.’
I scanned our surroundings once again, but could see nothing but the forest, close to us on every side and far too quiet.
‘Gentle beings!’ I turned to the rest of our party. ‘We camp here tonight, sleeping close together. We move again at first light. We are at the edge of the Eastern Kingdoms.’
I paused. Did I hear something move out in the woods? It was my imagination, wasn’t it?
I cleared my throat and added: ‘I fear that tomorrow the quest begins in earnest!’
‘The sages say that under certain circumstances, extensive traveling in strange lands can be both entertaining and educational. This is true, for there are few things more educational than putting one’s hand or foot too close to a ravenous demon or mythological beast met in these same travels. And what of using what limbs you still possess to escape from said hungry creature? Well, let me assure you that that escape will be far more entertaining than the alternative.’
THE TEACHINGS OF EBENEZUM, Volume XXXV
So we would camp at last. Unlike the last time I had made this suggestion, when Guxx had first decided that he was going to lead our party, there were no protests from any of our group. Besides having to inform Alea that when I spoke about sleeping close, I did not necessarily mean her and me, we settled down without further incident.
I realized that I had brought no food in my haste to leave Vushta earlier, but everyone else, apparently, had not been so shortsighted. Hubert had brought an immense amount of supplies (it is amazing how much a dragon can carry on his back), and Hendrek had brought a sizeable sack as well, although the large warrior seemed intent on consuming as much as he had contributed. Guxx and Brax elected not to eat with us, something that, quite frankly, I was perfectly happy with, being a bit afraid of finding out exactly what the demons did eat. But the rest of us sat down to a filling meal around the camp fire we’d built from the pieces of the warning sign.
Our bellies full, the rest of our party settled down to sleep. I had elected to take the first watch. There was some thinking I had to do, some things I had to work out if I were going to successfully lead these others to brave the perils before us. I threw another bit of wood into the fire and stared at the flames. Somehow, I could not keep the quest foremost in my mind. Another thought kept driving all others away:
How could I get Norei to speak with me again?
I turned from the flames. The fire didn’t hold any answers. The ferret nuzzled my knee as it finished off the scraps I had saved for it. At least this little animal still had some affection for me. But it wasn’t the same. The night was growing cold. Soon the ferret would retreat to the warmth of my pack, and I would be left here, all alone.
Of course! I was astonished how simple the answer was when it came to me. The pack! The Home Study Course was in my pack! That was the answer to my problems with Norei. For had not even my master, the great wizard Ebenezum, mentioned that the book contained love potions?
That was it! How simple! How perfect! I would use my magic to bring her back!
I quickly pulled the tome from my pack and turned so that I could read it by the light of the fire. I turned to the index, under L. Here it was!
‘Love potions, all purpose, page 33’
All purpose? What need had I to go any further? I flipped rapidly to the proper page.
‘What kind of idiot did this?’
I looked up from my reading. It was the gruff voice, calling from the woods.
Somebody coughed. I looked around the fire. It didn’t seem to be one of my compatriots; they all were sound asleep. I heard the cough again. It came from the forest as well, on the opposite side of the clearing from the gruff voice.
Whoever was out there, I was surrounded.
I closed the book. Love potions would have to wait. There was something out there, something from the Eastern Kingdoms; maybe even something that wanted to bake me into a loaf of bread. Oh, how I wished I still had my stout oak staff!
‘You’d better watch out.’
That voice was right behind me! I spun quickly, clutching the Home Study Course as a shield.
It was Brax.
‘I couldn’t sleep,’ the demon said. ‘I heard voices. I came over to warn you. The situation looks pretty tense.’ He paused a moment to straighten his checkered lapels. ‘A weapons salesdemon lives for times like these. In fact, I just might have a little something here . . .’ He let the rest of the sentence hang in the air.
So Brax wanted to sell me weapons? ‘Sorry,’ I replied. ‘Not interested.’
‘That’s all you have to say?’ The demon looked grieved. ‘Not interested? I tell you, I’m losing my touch.’ He dropped the heavy sack he was carrying. It fell to the ground with a clank. ‘Oh, how being Guxx’s rhythm section cramps a salesdemon’s style!’
I told the salesdemon to be quiet. There was something out there.
‘There certainly is!’ Brax whispered. ‘And how much better you’d feel facing it with one of my previously owned weapons!’
‘No, I wouldn’t,’ I replied.
The demon sighed. ‘My timing is gone completely!’
‘You’re in a lot of trouble!’
Brax and I looked at each other. It was the gruff voice from the woods!
‘Mayhaps I should answer it,’ I ventured.
‘Mayhaps,’ Brax agreed. ‘And don’t forget, I have a sack full of weapons. No down payment, easy terms, at least one lifetime to pay.’
I decided to ignore the demon and respond to the voice instead.
‘Hello!’ I called to the night. ‘And a good evening to you!’
‘What’s it to you?’ the voice yelled back.
Well, whatever the thing was, it was talking to me, even though it didn’t sound very friendly. I decided to try again.
‘I merely thought that, if you had a problem -‘
‘Who asked you anyway?’ the voice interrupted.
‘Well,’ I continued, trying to keep a cheerful tone, ‘it’s just that you shouted at us, and I thought you wanted to communicate, like any civilized being -‘
‘So’s your old man!’ the voice rejoined.
My mouth snapped shut. I was at a loss for words.
‘I think you’d get much better results with a previously owned weapon,’ Brax whispered.
I was beginning to agree with the salesdemon. But obnoxious as the voice was, how could I slay what I could not see?
‘Doom,’ a voice rumbled at my side. ‘You have no need of previously owned weapons.’ I looked over and saw that Hendrek watched us from a sitting position.
‘Indeed,’ I said to the large warrior.’ “Tis true that I have you and the others in our party to protect me from harm. Still, there may come times when I must fight on my own and need a weapon to help me survive.’
‘Doom.’ Hendrek nodded his head. ‘We have brought your weapon.’ He reached over to shake Snarks.
‘I’m awake!’ the truth-telling demon grumbled. ‘How could anybody sleep with all this shouting going on!’
‘Doom,’ Hendrek replied. ‘Give Wuntvor his weapon.’
‘All right! All right!’ The demon sat up with a groan. ‘That’s the problem with questing; it doesn’t give you any leisure time. It’s just quest, quest, all the time quest.’ He rummaged through his own sack. ‘Here it is!’ He pulled something long and shining from the sack and threw it in my general direction. ‘Now can I go back to sleep?’
I recognized the weapon in its dark blue scabbard before I had even caught it. It was Cuthbert.
I looked to Hendrek. ‘But I thought the sword refused to come out of its sheath?’
‘Doom,’ the warrior answered. ‘We persuaded it.’
Snarks laughed. ‘If it didn’t come out, we were going to melt it down into ornamental paperweights.’
The sword almost sprang from its sheath as I pulled it free.
‘Can you imagine?’ Cuthbert cried. ‘Ornamental paperweights? The very idea. A sword has some pride, you know!’
‘Indeed,’ I remarked, wondering how much I should agree with the weapon. Even with my substantial magical background, I always found it a little difficult to converse with a sword. Especially a sword like Cuthbert, who was a bit of a coward, particularly when it came to anything even potentially violent.
‘So,’ I added after a second’s pause, ‘you are prepared to do your duty?’
‘Well. . .’ Cuthbert paused in thought. ‘You can use me to threaten. Any blood, though, and we will have words!’
‘I am certain we will,’ I agreed. ‘But you shine in the dark as well.’ In fact, Cuthbert had done that very thing in our quest through the Netherhells, lighting our way through countless caverns.
‘Oh, certainly,’ Cuthbert responded jovially, quite pleased that I had asked. ‘And I shine very nicely, too.’
‘Quite true. And that is the very thing we need now!’
‘Why didn’t you say so? Having me go on and on about bloodletting! I should have known you wanted much more civilized magic. Give me but a second while I brighten up!’
The sword glowed, first a dull red, then orange, then yellow, then blinding white.
‘How’s that?’ Cuthbert asked.
‘Perfect!’ I answered. I held the sword before me and marched toward the spot where I had last heard the gruff voice.
‘No fair!’ the voice yelled. A short figure, perhaps half my size, leapt from the shadows and ran back into the trees. I heard other running feet as well. And one of the runners was coughing.
I stood at the edge of the clearing, listening to the fading sound of feet scambling over broken branches and dead leaves. It was far too dark to follow them, even with a magic sword. Besides, I had a feeling we’d meet again, soon enough.
‘Indeed,’ I said to the sword.
‘That’s it?’ Cuthbert said in relief. ‘I feared, when we went running toward the woods - well, never mind. That’s fine. Anytime!’
I sheathed the sword and returned to the camp fire. ‘Doom.’ Hendrek nodded. ‘I will take the next watch.’ I didn’t argue, but settled down with the Home Study Course to read myself to sleep.
The morning was magnificent. The sun was golden as it peeked through the trees, turning the leaves a bright, translucent green. Even the moss-covered rocks seemed to glow in the gentle morning light.
Alea rushed around the dying campfire to my side, her pale blond hair attractively mussed from sleeping.
‘Oh, Wuntie!’ she thrilled. ‘Isn’t it wonderful?’ She waved at the scenery around her. ‘It’s like we woke up in some fairy land!’
‘Hey!’ a high voice yelled by my feet. ‘Watch your language!’
We both looked down at Tap the Brownie. The little fellow shrugged defensively.
‘Well, no one ever calls it Brownieland, do they?’
‘It doesn’t matter what you call it,’ a beautifully modulated voice said from just past my shoulder. ‘This is a magic place. We have entered the Eastern Kingdoms.’
I turned to look at the unicorn, and it was as if I had never seen that wondrous beast before. Its white coat and mane were blinding in the morning light, the color of newfallen snow in the high mountains. And its golden horn shone as if that gold were molten and the horn itself held the light of the sun. It pranced upon the bright green sward, beneath a sky the color of a brilliant robin’s egg.
When I had first seen the unicorn, it had taken my breath away to see such magnificence in our everyday world. Now, though, the unicorn was even more incredible, surrounded by a world as beautiful as the beast. It was enough to stop your heart and be overjoyed that this might be the last thing your eyes beheld before you went to the grave.
This was where the unicorn belonged. I had no need to ask why the creature knew this place was magic. These Eastern Kingdoms, this ‘fairy land,’ as Alea had called it, was where the unicorn must have been born.
‘Come,’ the unicorn said. ‘I will lead you.’
I quickly instructed the others to gather up their belongings and follow us.
‘Do you know the way to Mother Duck’s?’ I asked the unicorn as I shouldered my pack and the Brownie once again climbed onto my other shoulder.
‘I know much about this place,’ the splendid beast answered. ‘For many years it was my home, until I found a reason’ - the beast glanced significantly in my direction - ‘to seek other things outside. There are all sorts of sights I might show you.’ It lowered its wondrous eyelids, halfway closing its soulful eyes. ‘I know private places as well.’
‘Indeed,’ I replied. ‘I am afraid that our need to meet with Mother Duck precludes any extensive side trips.’
‘As you wish.’ The unicorn sighed. ‘I only pray that when our business is done, you spare some small thought for those of us with . . . other needs.’ With that, the wondrous creature turned and walked down a trail into the woods. I beckoned for the rest of our group to follow.
Our first hour or two was uneventful. We traveled slowly but steadily through the Eastern Woods until we heard the hammering.
‘Doom,’ Hendrek commented behind me.
I cautioned the others to be quiet. Perhaps we might be able to sneak up on the noisemakers. Normally, the tremendous racket my own group caused would have made this quite impossible. However, the hammerers were so incredibly loud that I felt we might still have a slight chance.
Cautiously, the unicorn led the rest of us down the trail.
Hendrek walked up to my side.
‘Doom,’ he whispered. ‘Who could they be?’
‘Well they certainly aren’t Brownies!’ Tap retorted. ‘Listen to that noise. No technique at all!’
I motioned both of them to be silent. I thought I heard voices. And sure enough, as we walked I could hear the rudiments of a distant conversation.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ The voice was the same gruff one I had heard the night before.
‘Why are you picking on me?’ a somewhat more high-strung voice replied. ‘Why does everybody always pick on me?’
Someone else yelled something incoherent. Then somebody coughed. I would recognize that cough anywhere. We were approaching whatever had surrounded us the night before!
I walked into the rear end of the unicorn. It had stopped to listen to the voices. I apologized to the magnificent beast, and it said it understood perfectly, especially since we were in public.
‘Why did you stop?’ I asked the beast.
The unicorn tossed its mane distractedly. ‘I know those . . . individuals up ahead. I was thinking about taking another route. One that would avoid them.’
‘Doom,’ Hendrek remarked. ‘Are they dangerous?’
‘Well’ - the unicorn considered - ‘no, not really. But they’re very, very unpleasant. Why don’t we take another trail? It will only add on half a day’s march.’
I told the unicorn we couldn’t afford the time. We would have to march toward the hammering.
The unicorn sighed. ‘If they won’t listen to me, what can I do?’ Reluctantly, it led us down the road once again.
We turned a bend in the path and there they were, hammering together another sign:
You are now entering
THE EASTERN KINGDOMS!
Don’t say we didn’t warn you
But who were they?
Or, more specifically, what were they?
When meeting happy woodland creatures
Be careful what you do,
For many woodland creatures
Are only happy eating you!’
‘Woodland Wonderland’ (verse six), excerpted from THE DAMSEL AND DRAGON SONGBOOK
(still awaiting publication)
‘Oh, no! Not you again!’
One of the hammerers scowled in our direction. The other half dozen or so turned to look at us as well.
‘See?’ another of their number shrieked. ‘I told you they were picking on us!’
‘Oh . . . wow,’ a third added. Still another one coughed.
I wondered again exactly who, or what, these fellows were. They were short, about the size of Snarks, although their features were not demonic in the least. They had large, round heads, and bushy brows that seemed to accentuate their emotions, so that the fellow who scowled at us seemed the very picture of disgust.
There was an uncomfortable silence, broken only by one of the fellows’ continued coughing. Very well. This situation called for leadership. More than ever before, it was time for me to live up to my position on this quest.
‘Indeed?’ I queried. ‘I am afraid we cannot “pick on you,” as you put it, until we know who you are.’
One of the small fellows jumped down from where he had been working on the top of the sign, wringing his hands as he approached us.
‘Oh, certainly, certainly, most honored sirs,’ he began. ‘Please take no offense from the manner of my fellows.’
‘They cannot be Brownies,’ Tap asserted: ‘No manners at all.’
‘Oh, might I please beg your pardon?’ the hand-wringing hammerer pleaded. ‘Oh, noble sirs, who are obviously far more knowledgeable than myself and my poor companions -‘
‘Speak for yourself!’ the scowling fellow interjected.
The hand-wringer smiled apologetically and continued. ‘But as I was saying, although I am sure that we are as mud beneath your feet -‘
‘Oh, yeah?’ the scowler retorted.
The fellow of the wringing hands smiled even more apologetically ‘. . . indeed, some of us are more like the worms in the mud beneath your feet . . . but as unworthy and pitiably valueless as we are, I believe you should know the smallest bit about us before you pass judgment.’
‘Indeed?’ I prompted.
‘Certainly! Oh, incredibly so, most valued sirs. And so, as inconsequential as we may be’ - he glanced at his fellows. ‘Please! No further comments!’ He cleared his throat - ‘I thought that I might introduce us. Of course, as you worldly-wise travelers have no doubt already surmised from our compact stature and industrious work habits, we are dwarves.’
‘Industrious work habits?’ Tap began. ‘They couldn’t buckle a shoe, much less hammer -‘
I instructed the Brownie to quiet down.
‘Dwarves?’ I asked instead. This was interesting. I had heard of a group much like this one in an old tale, back when I was a boy. Could such stories be true in the Eastern Kingdoms? I decided it would do no harm to inquire.
‘Could you be -‘
‘No, no, most esteemed sir!’ the hand-wringer interjected before I could finish my sentence. ‘Although that would be an excellent guess, I fear it is incorrect. You see, we are the other ones.’
‘Indeed?’ I replied. ‘The other ones?’
The fellow nodded rapidly, overjoyed that I understood.
‘Yes, we are the Seven Other Dwarves!’
Snarks stepped to my side. ‘Other dwarves? You mean there’s more of these things around here?’
‘What’s it to you?’ the scowling fellow inquired.
‘Doom,’ Hendrek replied, the enchanted warclub Head-basher swinging free in his enormous hand.
‘Now, now,’ the hand-wringer hastily interposed, ‘most incredibly intelligent and well-mannered visitors - to whom we are but the blemishes upon the worms crawling in the mud beneath your feet - I beg of you to but allow me to introduce my poor and most certainly overrated companions, and I shall be eternally grateful.’
‘Indeed?’ I said again. I had my doubts if I wanted this fawning fellow to be eternally grateful (or eternally anything else) on my behalf. However, I had the feeling that if we did not suffer through his introductions, we might never find Mother Duck.
I asked the dwarf to proceed.
‘Oh, bless you!’ the hand-wringer cried. ‘I grovel at your feet in thankfulness. Even though I am no more than the dirt on the blemishes on the worms in the mud - but no, let my pitifully inadequate words introduce my fellows -‘
‘You can say that again!’ the scowler barked.
The hand-wringing dwarf pointed to the fellow who had just spoken. ‘This is Nasty. As you remarkably fine gentlemen can certainly ascertain, he lives up to his name.’
‘I suppose it has to be me next!’
The hand-wringer nodded to a dwarf to the left of Nasty. ‘Touchy,’ was all he said.
‘Do you have to be so abrupt?’ Touchy wailed.
‘I’d ignore them, if I were you,’ said the dwarf to Touchy’s left. ‘I don’t intend to have anything to do with them!’ The speaker turned away, his nose in the air.
‘And Snooty,’ the first dwarf added.
Another dwarf wandered into Snooty’s backside.
‘Why don’t you look where you’re going?’ Snooty yelled. ‘Oh, why do I have to put up with such a lowlife?’ The dwarf lifted his nose even farther aloft, imploring the heavens.
The fellow who was performing the introductions placed a hand on the bumper’s shoulder. The other dwarf blinked repeatedly, as if he couldn’t quite focus his eyes.
‘And this,’ the first dwarf continued, ‘is Spacey.’
‘Oh,’ Spacey remarked, somewhat distracted. A moment later he added: ‘Wow.’
The first dwarf waved his hand to include those fellows in the background. ‘And here, of course, we have Dumpy, Noisy and Sickly.’
Dumpy moaned, Sickly coughed, and Noisy dropped something.
‘Oh!’ the first dwarf exclaimed, as if the thought had just occurred to him. ‘But most esteemed sirs, I have neglected to introduce my own ridiculously deficient self.’ He bowed low, kissing the dirt before my feet. ‘Most wonderful, most magnanimous, most enlightened gentlemen, who are so high above me that I am but a pinprick on the ground beneath your eyes; nay, even more, a pinprick upon a pinprick -‘
‘Get on with it!’ Nasty yelled.
‘Oh.’ The dwarf stood again, still all smiles, but also still not quite looking me in the eye. ‘Certainly. I, honored sirs, am Smarmy.’
‘There’s no doubt about that,’ Snarks remarked.
‘Indeed,’ I replied. ‘Very nice to meet you. Now, if you will excuse us, we must be on our way.’
‘Oh, no!’ Smarmy cried. ‘A hundred thousand pardons, most incredibly wondrous sirs, but that would never ever do. Now that you are in our less than worthless company, I am piteously afraid that this is where you must stay.’
‘Doom.’ Hendrek raised his club above his head. ‘Are you trying to take us prisoner?’
‘Oh, most certainly not!’ Smarmy pleaded. ‘We would never use force against such honored gentlebeings as yourselves. However, as lowly and degenerate a speaker as I am, might I ever so gently suggest that you become our prisoners?’
‘Indeed?’ I replied, restraining Hendrek from using his club. ‘And why would you make that suggestion?’
‘A million pardons that I should be so presumptive, oh astonishingly insightful travelers, but my humble suggestion, though probably barely worth your consideration, is in every likelihood a thousand times better than the alternative.’
‘Indeed?’ I queried. ‘And just what is the alternative?’
Smarmy smiled even more apologetically than before, but his reply was only two words:
‘Mother Duck.’
‘Where?’ Touchy screamed.
‘Oh, that I would have to deal with such people!’ Snooty added haughtily.
‘Oh . . . wow,’ Spacey remarked.
Sickly coughed. Dumpy moaned. Noisy dropped something.
‘Doom,’ Hendrek murmured.
‘Very probably,’ Smarmy agreed. ‘Especially if Mother Duck catches you wandering around alone in the Eastern Kingdoms without her authorization. I sincerely believe that your chances are far better if Mother Duck catches you wandering around the Eastern Kingdoms with us.’
I felt two small but strong hands grip my shoulders. An incredibly worried face framed by blond hair thrust against my nose.
‘Oh, Wuntie, I told you!’ Alea whispered. ‘We’ll be baked in the giant’s ovens!’
I gently moved Alea to one side, whispering back that we would talk once I had learned all our options.
I nodded again to Smarmy. ‘Indeed. In both your scenarios, Mother Duck catches us. Is there no other alternative?’
Alea clung tight to my arm. ‘We’ll be mixed with flour and yeast,’ she murmured half to me, half to herself, ‘and baked into bread!’
Smarmy shook his head grimly, as if he were telling me the saddest thing in the world. ‘Alas, not in the Eastern Kingdoms. Mother Duck catches everybody.’
‘It’s not fair,’ Alea continued. ‘My mother didn’t raise me to die being mixed with yeast.’
Guxx Unfufadoo stepped forward, dragging Brax by his side.
‘Commence!’ he shrieked. Brax positioned his drum and commenced.
‘Guxx Unfufadoo, demon leader, Does not care who this Duck catches, Has no fear who this Duck threatens, Rather fancies Duck for dinner!’
‘Is that so?’ Hubert retorted. ‘To my side, Damsel! Number 341!’
Alea left my side at last to rejoin the dragon. They sang:
‘We’ve got a toast of just one kind, For those we know with a ruling desire. You might possibly change your mind, When you’ve been toasted by Dragon Fire!’
‘Indeed!’ I shouted at the top of my voice. ‘You’ve both had your say! You are now even. There will be no further singing or declaiming. The truce goes back in effect now.’
Hubert and Guxx glared at each other, but neither spoke further.
I spoke again to Smarmy, ‘Still, the two of them do have a point. I doubt Mother Duck has ever encountered anything like us before. After all, we have demons and a dragon on our side.’
‘Not that it’s going to do you any good!’ Nasty sneered.
‘Why do I have to always be around when these unpleasant things happen?’ Touchy demanded of no one in particular.
‘Oh . . . wow,’ Spacey added.
‘I know that if I had my way, I wouldn’t be with any of you!’ Snooty exclaimed distantly.
Noisy dropped something. Sickly coughed. Dumpy moaned.
‘Oh, most nobly deluded sire,’ Smarmy replied when his fellows were finally done, ‘the remarkable show of force that you mention might work elsewhere, but not with Mother Duck.’
‘Indeed,’ I answered. Somehow, this was going all wrong. We were on a mission to save the surface world, not start a war. I would simply have to explain myself better. ‘But you realize that a show of force is the last thing on our minds. We come in peace, to tell Mother Duck of a great threat that affects the Eastern Kingdoms as well as our homeland.’
Smarmy wrung his hands in agreement. ‘All the more reason to join with us. When Mother Duck finds you, which she will whether you are with us or not, she will assume you are with our unworthy band for a purpose. She will then at least wait a few seconds for an explanation before deciding your fate.’
‘Doom,’ Hendrek interjected. ‘Deciding our fate?”
‘Yeah, bumpkin!’ Nasty added. ‘Or you could say “choosing your death” instead!’
‘Who are you calling a bumpkin?’ Snarks demanded.
Nasty pointed at the warrior. ‘This blimp over here!’
‘That’s going too far!’ Snarks rejoined. ‘Wuntvor, lend me your sword. Only I can call Hendrek a blimp!’
‘Doom,’ Hendrek agreed. He swirled Headbasher through the air above Nasty’s head.
‘Indeed!’ I called again. ‘Put down your weapons and lower your voices. There is no need for battle. In fact, a fight might keep us from our goal of meeting Mother Duck.’
‘How right you are, learned young master!’ Smarmy chimed in. ‘That is why you must stay.’ The Dwarf stopped wringing his hands, and wiped them nervously on his worn, brown leggings. ‘But to be totally frank, honest, and candid with you, there is a further reason as well. You see, if we do not capture you, Mother Duck will “decide our fate” as well.’
‘She’s like that!’ Touchy agreed. ‘Oh, why do I always have to get into the middle of these things!’
‘Indeed?’ I replied. ‘Then perhaps we should travel with you. And as we travel, perhaps you can tell us something about this Mother Duck.’
‘Then you will be our prisoners?’ Smarmy shouted gleefully. ‘Oh, a thousand thousand thanks. You have no idea what this means to my humble band, especially in terms of continued longevity.’
‘Fine,’ I said. ‘Now that we are under your care, what do you wish us to do?’
Smarmy frowned. ‘Oh, dear. We’re supposed to do something? Yes, that would be a very good idea, wouldn’t it? Mother Duck is very big on that, calls it “advancing the plot,” she does. Oh, deary dear. Most of the time we simply hammer, you know, and put up these warning signs. Oh, my.’ The dwarf paused, frowning, then smiled for an instant before shaking his head and frowning again.
‘I’m afraid I haven’t the faintest idea,’ he said at last.
I told the dwarf it might be something to think about. He agreed wholeheartedly, said that he would consult with the other dwarves and definitely have a plan by morning.
I turned to my companions and instructed them to make an early camp. Mother Duck sounded like a very difficult character indeed. I had to do some thinking as well, or we might all wind up as some giant’s dinner.
‘Oh, Wuntie!’ Alea trailed after me. ‘Something is wrong,’ she called. ‘You are so preoccupied these days. Have your feelings changed for me? Has the magic gone from our relationship?’
I turned back to stare at the damsel as she rushed forward to fling her arms around me.
Of course! That was the answer!
‘ ‘It’s as plain as the nose on your face’ is another annoying remark that sages make. Think on it. When was the last time you went walking down the street, looking at your nose?’
THE TEACHINGS OF EBENEZUM, Volume I
Magic!
It was so obvious, I didn’t know why I hadn’t thought of it before. I felt like kissing Alea, but stopped myself for fear it might lead to other things.
The only way we were going to survive the Eastern Kingdoms was through magic. But exactly what magic?
I thought at first of contacting Ebenezum. Yet what could he do at this great a distance? Besides, with what the Brownie had already been through, I doubted he had the energy for anything pertaining to Brownie Power. And even if the Brownie could manage to contact my master, it was the kind of magic, what with a dancing Brownie and a great cloud of dust, that rather called attention to itself.
But perhaps most important of all, I did not yet know the Seven Other Dwarves’ true intentions. Even without talking to Ebenezum, I realized it was important to keep our various magical abilities to ourselves until I knew a little better what they had planned for us.
That was the real problem - just when should we use our magic? Perhaps it would be best to wait until we confronted Mother Duck. Then, if need be, I could resort to the Home Study Course. True, many of the recent spells I had attempted from that tome had not worked out quite as I had planned. Still, the law of averages demanded that I would eventually get a spell correct. Didn’t it?
But no. I realized that the less time I had to master a spell, the more chance I had of it going awry. Handling emergencies with the Home Study Course would have to remain a last resort. I needed someone here with a real mastery of magic.
It was then I knew. My heart quickened with the realization. We truly needed Norei.
‘Wuntie?’ Alea whispered huskily in my ear. ‘When you squeeze me like that, all my doubts are forgotten.’
‘Um?’ I said. ‘Oh.’ In my enthusiasm for my new plan, I had forgotten that I had a young, attractive blond woman in my arms - a young, attractive blond woman who was looking very fixedly into my eyes. What could I say? ‘Indeed. Well, I’m afraid we don’t have time for any of that right now, Alea. I must make plans.’
‘Oh, I’ll forgive you this time,’ Alea said throatily as she stroked my arm. ‘When you hug that recklessly, I can wait.’
‘Yes . . . well,’ I replied. ‘Indeed.’ I shook the young woman from my arm and shrugged the pack off my back.
‘Why don’t you watch where you’re throwing things?’ Touchy demanded from somewhere behind me. The pack seemed to have landed in the vicinity of his head.
‘Um . . . indeed,’ I began, somewhat distressed by this turn of events. ‘I beg your pardon -‘
‘You should beg our pardon for ever crossing our paths!’ Snooty demanded.
‘Oh, why bother with them!’ Nasty remarked to his fellows. ‘They’re all going to be eaten by giants anyway!’
Sickly coughed in our direction, and Dumpy’s moan had a sinister undertone. Nasty told Noisy to walk over to me and drop something on my foot.
This seemed to be getting out of hand. Without Smarmy here to act as spokesbeing, the other dwarves were becoming definitely hostile. And where was Smarmy? Before he disappeared, didn’t he say something about deciding our fate?
Maybe I should talk to Ebenezum after all. But where had Tap gotten to?
Noisy stumbled toward my pack. Was the dwarf going to attempt to drop it on my foot in retaliation?
‘Watch out, Noisy!’ Touchy screamed. ‘He’s got a weapon!’
Who had a weapon? Where they talking about me?
Then I remembered I was wearing Cuthbert. Perhaps I should draw the sword and confront the dwarves with naked steel. That would certainly end all this confusion for good. Still, I wanted to avoid violence if I possibly could. Oh, why did everything always have to get so complicated?
I really wished I could talk again with Ebenezum. If only there were some way. . . .
Noisy once again trundled in the direction of my pack. I placed my hand on Cuthbert’s hilt as a warning.
It was then I remembered.
Of course! Cuthbert was more than your everyday sword. Not only could it talk, but the sword had other magical properties as well. I had used it repeatedly to contact Ebenezum when I was in the Netherhells.
Then that was the answer! I had no need to wait for the Brownie; I would use Cuthbert instead. I looked around me at the glowering dwarves. Perhaps it would be best to talk to my master now, before the situation got any worse.
‘Stand back, varlets!’ I called as I attempted to pull the sword from its sheath.
The sword didn’t budge. I tugged at the hilt with both hands, but it made no difference. It appeared to be stuck.
‘Cuthbert?’ I inquired with the slightest edge of desperation.
‘I’m not coming out,’ the sword replied, its voice muffled but distinct. ‘I can hear raised voices. I know when there’s going to be bloodshed.’
‘The only blood shed around here,’ Snooty remarked disdainfully, ‘will be yours.’
‘Eaten, eaten, eaten!’ Nasty added.
‘See?’ Cuthbert retorted. ‘It’s quite cozy in my sheath, thank you very much.’
Snarks rushed to my side. ‘Ornamental paperweights,’ he whispered to the sword.
‘Is - is that so?’ Cuthbert replied, obviously wavering. ‘Well, maybe holding down paper wouldn’t be such a bad job after all.’
Noisy leaned down to pick up my pack, then stomped towards me with a smile. Hendrek stepped to my other side, Headbasher in his hand.
‘Doom,’ the large warrior remarked.
Snarks leaned even closer to the sword. ‘Ornamental paperweights sculpted to look like me.’
‘A sword has some pride!’ Cuthbert sprang from its sheath. ‘Stay away, now! Don’t force me to do anything rash or’ - I felt the sword shudder in my hands - ‘messy.’
Noisy paused, looking doubtfully down at the pack in his hands. And then the pack moved.
Dumpy moaned uneasily. Sickly coughed a warning.
‘Watch out!’ Touchy shrieked. ‘It’s one of those Western Kingdom tricks!’
‘Eep!’ the ferret screamed in Noisy’s face. The dwarf dropped the pack and ran.
‘Indeed!’ I called, wishing to stop this nonsense as soon as possible. ‘We come in peace. We wish you no harm!’ Mayhaps, I thought, I should resheathe the sword I now waved in my hand as a sign of my good intentions. And yet if I restored Cuthbert to its sheath, I somewhat doubted my chances of getting it to come back out again.
The dwarves continued to scowl at me, believing my brandished sword rather than my words.
‘You just wait for the giants!’ Nasty exclaimed.
I replied that it might be far better if both our parties waited for a while and settled down for the late afternoon and evening as we had first intended. The dwarves grumbled and walked off to eat on the far side of their newly erected sign. I told my companions that we should settle down as well, and added that I would take the first watch. I needed time for quiet contemplation.
Our current situation was becoming more unpleasant with every passing moment, and it promised to get much worse. The dwarves were not quite openly violent, but I had met friendlier demons in the Netherhells. I knew I had to take some action, but I thought it best if I tried something quiet. I feared that even contacting Ebenezum with the sword might draw too much attention. It would do me no good to speak to my master if, as a by-product, I managed to start a riot.
‘Doom.’ Hendrek approached me. “Tis not a good situation for a trained warrior.’
‘Hey, Hendy,’ another voice said behind me, ‘this is not a good situation for anybody. Especially those among us not now equipped with high-quality, previously-owned magical weapons.’
I did not have to turn around to identify the speaker.
Brax, straightening the lapels of his checked suit, strolled around in front of us. Hendrek lifted his enchanted club Headbasher as I hefted Cuthbert, showing Brax that we, at least, both had our magical weapons.
‘No bloodshed!’ Cuthbert squeaked.
‘Now, now,’ Brax quickly added. ‘There is no need for a show of force. Our current situation constrains all of us. Yonder dragon cannot sing, my master Guxx cannot declaim, and I can find little time to ply my sincerely honest and valuable trade. We must do what we can to keep our spirits up.’
‘Doom,’ Hendrek agreed, eyeing Brax meaningfully. ‘How much better I would feel if I could bash something.’
‘Come now, Hendy, I haven’t demanded payment on your high quality warclub since -‘
‘Something in checks,’ Hendrek interrupted.
‘Now, just hear me out,’ Brax replied. ‘You may not like your payment schedule, but you have to admit that your dread Headbasher has given you first-rate magical service.’
‘Doom,’ was Hendrek’s only reply.
Brax nodded briskly. ‘And that’s exactly what you’ll have if you can’t properly defend yourself against whatev-er’s going to happen here in the Eastern Kingdoms.’
He lifted the bag he carried with him and shook it. The bag clanked significantly.
‘Do you know what this bag is filled with? That’s right - magical weapons; practically every weapon you’ll ever need. We have broadswords, rapiers, daggers, penknives, letter openers, and corkscrews. And that’s not all! Also in this pack you’ll find powders, poisons, philters, and potions, and a surprise or two besides! And I’m willing to give it all to you for a special group rate! That’s right, all the weapons in this sack can be yours for one low price, payable with the simplest Netherhells contract imaginable!’ He hefted the clanking sack again. ‘How much would you pay. . .’
He paused, smiling up at me as if expecting an answer. He wanted to sell me all those weapons? I swallowed hard. What should I do? If he were to offer me only one or two, I definitely would have refused, fearing the Netherhells contracts. But all of them? What power they would give us! Maybe they were the magic we needed.
‘Uh. . .’I began.
‘Don’t answer yet,’ Brax interrupted, whipping still another weapon from behind his back, ‘because you also get this enchanted battle ax at no additional charge! That’s right, this cleaver goes through your enemies like a knife through butter. And it also slices vegetables!’ He removed a carrot from his coat pocket and tossed it in the air. The battle ax neatly cut it in two. ‘It’s great for making tasty snacks!’
‘Quiet down over there!’ Nasty yelled from the other side of the sign.
‘Dwarves would probably make tasty snacks,’ Brax added, tucking the ax once again behind his coat. ‘Well, what do you say?’
‘No bloodshed!’ Cuthbert warned.
I looked at Hendrek.
‘Doom,’ the warrior remarked.
Hendrek and Cuthbert were right. Upon sober reflection, I realized that stockpiling weapons was not the answer. From all I had heard of Mother Duck, I felt we had more of a chance convincing her through reasoned discussion than with a show of force.
‘Sorry,’ I told Brax, ‘but your weapons do not fit in with our plans.’
‘Plans?’ Brax asked. ‘We have plans?’
‘Well, we will have plans,’ I assured him. ‘They will definitely be completed by tomorrow.’
‘Oh, but do we have plans for you!’ Snooty called from beyond the sign.
‘Should we’ - Sickly coughed - ‘let the giants’ - he coughed again - ‘get them?’
‘Nah,’ Nasty replied. ‘I think we should save them for Mother Duck!’
They all laughed and coughed together.
I told Brax and Hendrek to ignore the derisive dwarves and get some rest. I tried to remain as calm as possible, casually flexing my sword arm as my companions turned back to our half of the campsite. I decided that at least for now, it wouldn’t do any of them any good to see how truly concerned I was. For I felt this was one of the most serious situations I had faced since I had begun to quest. Whether we were going to encounter giants or Mother Duck, we needed all the magic we could muster. And not the blunt, brute-force magic of Brax’s slightly-used weapons. We needed thinking magic.
I had to get Norei to join us.
But how could I contact her? And even if she knew of my problem, how could I be sure she would respond to my request? Once, not so long ago, we had been as close as two could be. Now I feared she would never talk to me again. Oh, if only we could start anew, like the two lovers we were meant to be!
I stared at my pack. But there was a way to start anew!
I reached inside and, briefly petting the fertet, lifted out the Home Study Course. I would have to consult it one more time after all. But I would do it slowly, carefully, not allowing any mistakes. I had to succeed, if I were to gain Norei once again by my side.
My heart pounded in my ears as I turned to the index. My decision was made.
I would have to use the love potion.
‘What, exactly, is love? Why it’s the most wonderful, even greater than the most wonderful - no, it’s the greatest, even greater than . . . no, that still doesn’t quite explain it. Rather, it’s like the dawn light shining over a field of the most beautiful wild - but perhaps that is too metaphorical. But you know the feeling? Yes! Is there anything better? There’s no need to answer. I’m glad I was able to explain.’
SOME THOUGHTS ON APPRENTICESHIP by Wuntvor, apprentice to Ebenezum, greatest mage in the Western Kingdoms
(a work in progress)
Here it was, on page 44: ‘The Universal Love Potion Spell.’ To my surprise, it was the least complicated spell I had found in the entire Home Study Course, full of simple ingredients and simple gestures. In a way, though, that made sense, for what could be more pure than love? I quickly set about locating the ingredients: fresh spring water, green leaves and wildflowers, as well as a few dried twigs for a fire. I then moved to the farthest edge of the clearing so I could pursue my magic without interruption.
I checked the incantation a final time. There was still one ingredient missing! I quickly ran and fetched Cuthbert.
‘What are we doing?’ the sword demanded as I picked it up. I assured it that I would do nothing violent in nature. I simply needed its sharp edge to cut off a lock of my hair.
‘So I’ve been reduced to barbering?’ Cuthbert replied, obviously not happy with the situation. ‘Don’t you think a pair of magic scissors would be better for that kind of work?’
I asked him if he’d rather help out on a spell that required blood.
‘Now that you mention it, you are getting a little shaggy around the ears,’ the sword allowed. ‘Would you like me to take a little off the top, too?’
I laid the suddenly subdued sword to one side and began preparations for the spell. First the making of the fire, then the burning of a leaf and a flower, then a spray of water into the flames; all performed, of course, with the proper incantations. Now it was time for the fresh-cut hair. I waited for some new remark from Cuthbert, say how my hair oil would dull its blade, but the sword only whimpered as I sawed.
I tossed the hank of hair into the flames. The fire burned bright blue. Now I would only have to say the final words and the spell would be complete.
But my concentration was broken by a noise, a rustling in the bushes just opposite where I stood. What could it be? Perhaps another visitor from Vushta? I realized I wasn’t breathing. Could the spell have worked before I had even completed it?
‘Why, look who we have here!’ a distinctly male voice called.
‘Yeah,’ another voice mocked. ‘Here.’
I knew who it was even before I felt the knife at my throat. Grott, Slag, and Vermin, the three representatives of the Vushta Apprentice Guild, had found me.
‘Thought you could get away from us by simply going on a quest to the Eastern Kingdoms?’ Grott drawled as he emerged from the bushes. ‘How foolish that was, especially since your solution to our little problem is long overdue!’
‘Yeah,’ Slag added as he, too, stepped into view. ‘Long.’
Vermin’s blade pressed against my throat.
‘Urn,’ I said. I had completely forgotten about these three and their demand for a cure for their masters by moonlight tomorrow. Except by now their deadline had come and gone; it would have been moonlight yesterday. I thought my forgetfulness was understandable, considering what had happened since my last meeting with the apprentices. But I wondered if there was any way I could get them to agree with me.
Still, I could not help but be impressed with their dedication in their search for me. If only they would use that fortitude in our cause! Unlike myself, who had spent most of the last months caring for a sneezing wizard, they had probably been learning magic from their mentors! If they could but put aside their quarrel with me for a time, what allies they would make!
‘Indeed,’ I replied. ‘So you have followed me all the way into the Eastern Kingdoms. But things are different here from the safe streets of Vushta. In these strange lands we are all in peril for our lives. Under these circumstances, don’t you think we could forget our little differences and all work together, for the good of Vushta and the surface world?’
‘You have no cure, then?’ Grott growled. ‘Well, perhaps we will forget after all, once Vermin has carved himself a small memento from somewhere on your chest. But remember, there is still a better way.’ Grott’s smile turned positively jovial as he added: ‘Our forgetfulness can be bought, for a mere thirteen hundred pieces of gold.’
‘Thirteen hundred?’ I blurted. Their price had gone up yet again.
‘Uh -‘ Slag interjected.
‘Oh, did I say thirteen hundred?’ Grott waved his hand apologetically. ‘So sorry, a slip of the tongue. I meant to say fourteen hundred.’
‘Fourteen?’ I exploded. ‘Where -‘
‘Uh, Grott,’ Slag interrupted, pointing past the other apprentice’s shoulder.
‘Not now,’ Grott replied curtly. ‘We are doing business.’ He nodded pleasantly in my direction. ‘Where will you find those fourteen hundred and fifty pieces of gold? Why, you’re a magician’s apprentice, after all. We thought you could come up with something.’
‘Indeed,’ I answered. This particular conversation was getting me nowhere. While I admired my fellow apprentices’ single-mindedness in pursuing their goal, I felt their talents could be put to much better use in our present situation. But how could I convince these three to join us?
‘I do not have the gold,’ I told the grinning Grott. ‘Nor do I have a cure for the malady that afflicts all our masters. However, if you were to stay and work with me in the Eastern Kingdoms, we will certainly encounter many wonders. Who is to say if, among those wonders, we might not find a cure? And who can say how much gold we might find besides?’
‘Stay?’ Grott replied. ‘Well, we will not go very far. After all, we have an investment here.’
‘Yeah,’ Slag hastily added. ‘Here. Uh. Listen, Grott -‘
‘Not now, Slag. You’re ruining my timing!’ Grott turned back to me and nodded sadly. ‘Poor Wuntvor. We do think it is a shame that you have neither the cure nor the gold. And just so you remember how important our business dealings are, I think it’s time that Vermin took his little souvenir. That way, you’ll be even more eager to have the fifteen hundred pieces -‘
Grott broke off abruptly. A strained look came over his face.
‘Vermin, is that you?’
But, of course, Grott’s knife-wielding companion still had his blade at my throat. Grott’s back was pressed against the bushes. He reached a hand around to feel behind him.
‘Slag?’ Grott inquired.
‘Yeah,’ Slag replied. ‘Unicorn.’
‘I certainly am,’ a magnificently modulated voice spoke from the bushes. ‘And a more wondrous and deadly beast you will never meet. Now, if you would please move yourselves into the middle of the clearing, where we can see what everybody is doing . . .?’
Grott and Slag both obliged. The unicorn followed, his horn pressed into Grott’s spine. Vermin pulled the knife away from my throat to warily study the mythical creature.
‘Don’t even think about it,’ the unicorn stated, ‘unless you want to become part of a picturesque tableau.’ The splendid beast snorted, the sound like the ringing of deep and sonorous bells. ‘You know, the kind of tableau that features great gouts of blood flying everywhere and poor humans writhing in their death agonies as the unicorn rears triumphantly, dark blood-stains tastefully mottled on its shining golden horn? Surely you’ve seen the scene. It’s on thousands of tapestries.’
‘But you mistake our intentions!’ Grott exclaimed hurriedly. ‘After all, we are but poor apprentices, just like Wuntvor here. We only wanted to have a little talk.’
‘And I imagine you like to talk with knives?’ The mythical beast pawed the ground meaningfully. ‘Well, I like to talk with my incredibly sharp, glowing golden horn.’
Grott’s smile seemed a bit forced, ‘Vermin,’ he remarked between clenched teeth. ‘Why don’t you put away your knife?’
The other apprentice sheathed his blade.
‘Now, we were discussing the best way for Wuntvor here to furnish us with fifteen hundred and fifty pieces of gold.’
‘I think it might be time,’ the unicorn replied, ‘to discuss instead where you would like the holes gored in your body.’
‘Yeah,’ Slag said. ‘Good-bye.’ Both he and Vermin ran for the underbrush.
‘Wait for me!’ Grott bolted away from the unicorn with a speed I had never seen in him before. ‘Remember!’ he called to me over his shoulder. ‘Sixteen hundred pieces -‘ And then he, too, was lost in the bushes.
I told the unicorn that I didn’t know how I could express my thanks.
‘I have an idea or two,’ the incredible beast replied. ‘My head’s gotten awfully heavy after all that threatening.’
‘Indeed,’ I responded, ‘Perhaps later. Unfortunately, at this moment I am in the middle of a spell.’
‘Sorcery?’ The unicorn sniffed. ‘But aren’t 7 magic enough?’
I apologized again. The unicorn walked slowly back toward camp, a broken mythical beast.
But what had happened to my spell? I turned to my fire, but the flames had gone out. There was nought left but a few glowing embers. And I was so close to success! I had completed all but the very last portion of the spell. What should I do?
Someone stirred among the sleepers. I thought I heard a muffled ‘doom.’ My altercation with the apprentice guild must have roused some of my fellows. I had no doubt that one or more of them would be joining me momentarily. That made my decision easier. I did not have time to entirely begin the spell again. I would have to complete it as quickly and best as I could.
I piled what twigs and leaves I still had atop the fire’s remains and blew on the embers until flame started to lap around the dry wood. I would have to finish my incantation speedily and hope for the best. I looked at the flames. The fire was the wrong color, bright yellow flames where they should be blue.
Well, that was easily solved. I reached for Cuthbert.
‘Now what?’ the sword demanded. ‘You can’t fool me! I heard the threats!’
‘Indeed,’ I answered. ‘I assure you that we are now quite alone. I only need you to cut a bit more hair.’
‘Barbering again?’ was Cuthbert’s response. ‘Is this going to be a regular activity? I mean, things like this get out, they could ruin a sword’s reputation. I can hear the other magic swords now. “So how you doing, Cuthbert? Shave any faces lately?” Oh, the shame!’
I ignored the sword and used its edge to chop off another chunk of hair.
‘It’s not that I don’t have dreams,’ Cuthbert continued as I worked. ‘It’s all this traveling around. It gets so wearing, especially when your owner won’t put you back in your scabbard. Oh, would that I could settle down, away from all this bloodshed and strife. Perhaps a nice wall somewhere, hanging half drawn from my sheath so that I might watch the hustle and bustle around me. But no. I am forced to lead the life of a vagabond sword, traveling through whatever bloodstained region my master -‘
I put the sword back in its scabbard. I had to concentrate.
I looked a final time at the spell in the Home Study Course.
‘Having done all these things’ - the book said - ‘the final step is most important. Taking a hank of fresh-cut hair from your head, plunge it into the fire and recite the words below. Remember, as you recite these words, place in your mind the image of the loved one you wish this spell to affect. The fumes of this potion will then reach out to your beloved, wherever he or she may be. Again we emphasize, concentrate on your beloved, for the strength of this spell will vary with the purity of your thought.’
I threw my hair into the fire and the flames again burned blue.
‘Norei,’ I whispered, then began the incantation.
‘Doom!’ boomed from the campsite.
‘Now that’s Brownie Power!’ Tap answered.
‘Let me go,’ Snarks retorted, ‘or we’ll have Brownie Power for breakfast!’
‘In my humble and most likely worthless opinion,’ Smarmy added, ‘the little fellow is completely correct.’
Then everybody started to talk at once. I glanced back at the fire, but the blue flames were gone. And what of the love spell? I would have to hope that my incantation had worked before I was interrupted.
The voices back at the camp were growing louder by the moment. My companions and all the Seven Other Dwarves seemed to be shouting at once. I supposed I would have to go back and quiet things down.
‘Indeed!’ I called out as I walked towards them.
‘Wuntvor?’ they cried in unison. A sudden silence fell among them. That was odd. Maybe they were accepting my leadership at last.
But why were they all looking at me so strangely?
‘There are many definitions of love. The starving man, about to chew greedily on a roast chicken leg, is sure to give you one predictable view. The recently cooked chicken, however, may be of a different opinion. ‘
THE TEACHINGS OF EBENEZUM, Volume LVIII
‘Oh, Wuntie!’ Alea screamed. ‘At last we can be together!’ She ran towards me, smiling as though she hadn’t seen me in weeks.
‘Oh, no, you don’t,’ the unicorn thundered magnificently. ‘I saw him first!’ And with that, the mythical beast also galloped in my direction.
I stopped, open-mouthed. What was happening here?
Guxx stepped forward, dragging Brax after him.
‘Elucidate!’ the chief demon cried. Brax winked at me and began to beat on his drum. Guxx bellowed in my direction:
‘Guxx Unfufadoo, heartfelt demon, Wants to speak of admiration, Wants to pledge his faith undying, Wants to get to know you better!’
‘Oh, yeah?’ the dragon bellowed. ‘Well, you ain’t heard nothin’ yet!’ He began to sing:
‘Here’s an apprentice that’s just the nicest,
You want him there in any crisis,
Even though he’s kind of awkward and shy.
His adolescent charm is so revealing
How could clumsiness be so appealing?
You could say that Wuntvor’s my kind of guy!’
This was getting stranger by the moment. And Guxx and the dragon were once again ignoring my edict about declaiming and singing. Perhaps an ‘indeed’ would be in order here.
But before I had a chance to utter a single word, Alea was upon me. Literally. She threw herself against me, and I could not keep my balance. Then, once I was down, she covered me with a barrage of kisses.
‘Uh,’ I began. ‘Al -‘ I found that I didn’t have enough time between kisses to speak her full name, ‘. . . eee . . .’ Instead I was reduced to uttering but one syllable at a time ‘. . .a!’
‘That’s my name,’ she purred, ‘and from your lips it becomes music!’
‘Alea!’ I repeated, trying to take advantage of this few seconds’ reprieve ‘Would you please’ - she started in again - ‘let’ - I tried to struggle, but it was no use - ‘me’ - her grip was like iron - ‘breathe!’
She lifted her lips from my own, a look of concern on her countenance. ‘Oh, forgive my ardour, most dear Wuntvor. It’s just that I have missed you so.’
She missed me? But I had only been standing on the other side of the clearing! What madness was this?
‘Stand away from that innocent lad, you hussy!’ a magnificently dynamic voice demanded. ‘You are not worthy to kiss his toes!’
‘What?’ Alea stood up and glared at the unicorn.
‘Yes,’ the unicorn sighed, ‘and what wonderful toes they are! Not to mention his legs, his arms, his shoulders, his ill-cut hair! And’ - the splendid beast paused, somewhat overwrought - ‘what of his lap?’ A small groan, half despair, half desire, escaped from between the unicorn’s pearly teeth. ‘I dare not speak of it, lest the thought drive me wild!’
But Alea was ready to speak and more. ‘What do you mean, I’m not worthy of Wuntvor’s toes? I’ll have you know that I’m one of the most sought-after performers in allofVushta.’
‘My point exactly,’ the unicorn replied dryly.
‘Hah!’ Alea retorted. ‘Look at this hair’ - she grabbed two great handfuls of glistening blond strands - ‘these lips’ her exquisite mouth pouted tantalizingly - ‘this exquisite womanly form!’ She proceeded to pat other parts of her anatomy. ‘This is what Wuntvor desires! Not some over-stuffed horse with a bump on his nose!’
‘Overstuffed!’ the unicorn responded, pawing the ground. ‘Bump on my nose? I would be offended, if those words had not come from an actress]’
‘How dare you!’ Alea demanded. ‘I’ll act all over you, you big, stupid -‘ She sputtered, waving her fists at the magnificent beast.
I stood up as the two of them argued. They seemed to have forgotten about me completely. I walked past them towards the others.
‘Doom,’ Hendrek greeted me as I approached. ‘But perhaps not, now that you are here.’ To my horror, the large warrior smiled.
‘Good old Wuntvor!’ Snarks shook my hand. ‘Why, you’re the best clumsy, pimply-faced apprentice with bad posture I’ve ever had the pleasure to know!’
Snarks had complimented me. I stared stupidly down at the hand he had so heartily shaken. Something was definitely amiss.
‘Oh, Wuntie!’ Alea called from where I had left her. ‘Don’t run from me, lover! I cannot exist without you!’
‘How can someone like you know what love is?’ The unicorn snorted proudly. ‘A mythical beast like me is love.’
It couldn’t be. I felt a cold spot, deep in my innards, as if I had a snowball in my stomach. They were all talking about - but, no. I shuddered to even think of it.
Could something have gone wrong with the love spell?
‘Wuntvor!’ Alea commanded. ‘We must be together always. I must feel you in my arms!’ She ran towards me again.
‘You cannot fight it!’ the unicorn cried as it also galloped in my direction. ‘Your lap and my head were destined to be as one!’
‘Indeed,’ I remarked hastily, glancing at my nearby companions. ‘Uh, fellows? Could you keep those two away from me for a little while? I need to think.’
‘Doom,’ Hendrek grinned. ‘Anything for you.’
‘Of course!’ Snarks skipped after the warrior. ‘I tell you,’ he said musingly, ‘I just want to pinch his pimply-faced cheek.’
Hendrek and Snarks were joined by Guxx, Brax, and Hubert. That was good. The five of them would save me, at least temporarily, from the overaffectionate advances of Damsel and unicorn. I could not doubt that it was the love conjuration. But what had gone amiss?
I had followed the spell exactly as instructed by the Home Study Course; except, of course, that I had let my hair burn before I had completed the magic, and so had added some more. Perhaps I had made the spell too powerful. But I had thought of Norei when I finally completed the spell! At least, I had thought of her for an instant. Then there had been that commotion between my companions and the dwarves, and my attention had been temporarily distracted.
Could it be?
The ball of ice in my belly turned to a boulder. I had turned to look at everybody in mid-spell. Did that mean I had worked my love spell on the entire camp?
The Seven Other Dwarves smiled at me.
‘Why, Wuntvor’s not such a bad fellow, compared to some I could name,’ Snooty remarked.
‘Yeah,’ Nasty added. ‘Actually, he’s kind of cute.’
‘Why didn’t you ask me?’ Touchy interjected. ‘Anything you want, Wuntvor, we’re at your service!’
‘Indeed,’ I replied. What else could I say? The spell was insidious. Everyone in camp seemed to be affected. Those who hadn’t liked me before had become my friends, and those who had previously been attracted to me, I would have to fight off with Cuthbert.
But what of Norei? My magic had originally been meant for her. This, then, was the final irony. In dissipating the spell, had I lost her forever? The ice seemed to overtake my whole form.
‘A happy Brownie hello!’ Tap called from somewhere near my ankle. ‘And may I say it’s a pleasure to work for you! It fills my heart with Brownie admiration!’
‘That’s true,’ Smarmy added, stepping up next to the little fellow. ‘That’s what we call Brownie Power!’
‘Indeed?’ I said, although my heart wasn’t in it. My heart was far away, with a woman I would never see again!
‘Yes!’ Tap agreed with the dwarf. ‘And all that great Brownie Power is here for you, the most worthy of worthies!’
‘Oh, dear,’ Smarmy interrupted. ‘But may this humble and obviously pitiable fellow beg to differ? While this young human is certainly worthy, not to mention lovable as lovable can be, he is most unfortunately completely lacking in Brownie magic!’
‘Too true,’ Tap agreed sadly. ‘But can we fault him for being far too tall and far too human? Remember, we Brownies must be generous with our gifts.’
Smarmy nodded happily. ‘That’s Brownie Power!’
Snarks returned then. ‘We’ve got the girl and the horse under control, at least for the moment. I just thought you’d like to know. I am at your service.’ He eyed the Brownie suspiciously. ‘Do you need me to take care of anything else?’
‘Oh, most humbly no,’ Smarmy answered. ‘We Brownies will take care of everything!’
Snarks turned a deeper shade of green. The dwarf’s remark seemed to render him temporarily speechless.
‘Indeed?’ I asked, curious despite my misery. ‘We Brownies?’
‘Well, perhaps this worthless individual is counting his dragons before they are hatched,’ Smarmy admitted. ‘Or at least, I was worthless! But I was fortunate, for Tap took me aside and showed me the way.’ Smarmy smiled down at the Brownie. ‘I have seen the truth in Brownie Power, and Tap has accepted me as one of their own!’
‘I’ve already made him an honorary Brownie,’ Tap added. ‘All he needs is ratification from the Brownie Council!’
‘I am a little large,’ Smarmy explained, ‘but Tap says they will in all probability make an exception.’
‘Soon,’ Tap piped merrily, ‘there will be Brownies everywhere!’
‘Doom,’ Snarks whispered.
‘It has been a dream I’ve had,’ the Brownie continued, ‘to show others the wisdom of the Brownie Way, ever since I came here to prepare the way for his Brownieship . . .’
The Brownie paused, turning a shade of green almost as colorful as Snarks.
‘His Brownieship!’ Tap whispered, true horror distorting his countenance. ‘I forgot.’ All this talk of guests, and I so wanted to teach Snarks - his Brownieship would go to Vushta, expecting me -‘ The little fellow hit his forehead with the palm of his hand. ‘Oh, dear, is my buckle bent! My lace is frayed for good!’
‘Indeed,’ I commented. I felt sympathy for the small fellow. As surely as I had forgotten about the Vushta Apprentice Guild and their demands, Tap had not remembered that his Brownieship was still to arrive in Vushta with an important message. And when the Brownie’s ruler finally came, Tap would be far away in the Eastern Kingdoms!
‘You could always go back to Vushta,’ Snarks suggested, ‘and stay there.’
‘No, my place is here with Wuntvor. A Brownie never backs out on a quest.’ Tap paused, his face a mask of anguish.
‘Oh, I will never make shoes again!’
‘Alea!’ the dragon roared behind me. ‘Forgive me Wuntvor! I could not fry a dancing partner!’
I turned to see the damsel almost upon me. She grabbed me by the shoulders and wrenched me to the ground.
‘They tried to keep me away from you,’ she whispered hoarsely. ‘Rather they should try to keep the sun out of the sky!’
‘Urn,’ I replied.
‘Or grass from growing in the ground!’ the damsel continued, hugging me close. ‘Or water from filling the ocean! How can I say it?’ She smiled with sudden inspiration. ‘I know! I will sing it instead!’
‘Must you?’ Snarks asked.
Alea ignored him and burst into song:
‘He’s my apprentice! He’s the only one for me, And Heaven sent us To live forever happily!’
‘Apparently she must,’ Snarks remarked. Across the clearing, I heard Guxx begin to sneeze.
‘Oh, Wuntie!’ Alea squealed, and launched into the second verse:
‘He’s my apprentice!
And what am I to do?
The perfect world is lent us,
In love with my little Wuntie-poo!”
‘Could this get any worse?’ Snarks wailed.
And then the unicorn was in our midst, snorting wonderfully at Alea.
‘You think to win this lad’s favor with your song?’ The beast tossed its splendid head, its mane flowing magnificently in the wind. ‘Well, we mythical creatures know poetry as well. Remember, a unicorn is art!’
The beast turned to look at me with its large, soulful eyes.
‘Oh Wuntvor, do not be forlorn, For you can stroke my golden horn.’
It tossed its head, its forelocks blowing wonderfully in the evening breeze.
‘There’s no need to suffer pain, When you might ruffle my wild mane.’
The unicorn paused, lowering its head so that its wondrous horn almost touched my lower ribs.
‘And you needn’t wander ‘round the map, For I’ll lay my head upon your lap.’
‘I was wrong,’ Snarks whispered. ‘It got worse.’
Alea stood, ready to confront the mythical creature. ‘What do you mean,’ she demanded, ‘reciting poetry for my Wuntie? Don’t you know I’m the one that can give him what he needs?’
The unicorn shook its perfect mane. ‘All “your Wuntie,” as you call him, needs, is a magnificent horned head upon his lap!’
‘Is that so?’ Alea screamed, rushing the unicorn. ‘I’ll give you a magnificent horn . . .’
They were at it again. I crept away from them as quietly as I could. Still, escape was only a temporary solution. I knew they would be on me again in a matter of moments. I had to get out of this somehow, and I feared I needed more magic than was at my command.
It was time to call on Ebenezum.
‘Tap!’ I beckoned to the Brownie. ‘I need your help!’
Tap and Smarmy rushed to either side of me.
‘At your service, oh glorious leader!’ the Brownie chirped.
‘I need to contact my master, now,’ I informed him urgently. ‘Are you up to it?’
Tap hesitated. ‘That means talking to Vushta? But what if his Brownieship . . .’He sighed, then grimly straightened his jerkin. ‘No, you are right. This is a job for Brownie Power!’
Smarmy applauded. Snarks asked to be excused.
‘Yes, we are ready,’ Tap answered at last, his tiny voice filled with determination. Tor Smarmy here will help me dance. It will be his first lesson in Brownie magic!’
‘Indeed?’ I said, wondering if the dwarf were up to it. But I had no time to argue. If I didn’t get my master’s assistance, I didn’t know how I was going to get out of this.
‘Very good.’ Tap nodded to Smarmy. ‘Now follow me. First you move your right foot, cool and tight, then you wriggle to the left and you ...”
I glanced nervously about as Tap finished giving the honorary Brownie his instructions. Alea was tugging on the unicorn’s mane while the beast used its horn to muss the damsel’s hair. This was getting ugly. I urged the Brownie to redouble speed.
‘For you, anything!’ Tap cheerfully agreed.
‘That’s Brownie Power!’ Smarmy added.
All four of their feet began to move so fast that I could no longer follow them. We were surrounded by dust. The world around the three of us disappeared in an instant, replaced by the brown wall on which images of Vushta already flickered.
‘Master!’I called.
‘Wuntvor?’ my master asked just before he sneezed. ‘I will be ready for you in but a moment!’ I knew that meant he had to reach the protective enclosure of his gigantic Brownie shoe.
The picture on the dust wall began to gain definition and color. It was the courtyard of the Wizards College, with Ebenezum’s shoe at the very center. I caught a glimpse of one sleeve of my master’s robes, the dark blue tastefully embroidered with silver moons and stars, as Ebenezum lowered himself within his protective barrier. The sight of the robe was oddly reassuring, as though I were looking at a little bit of home. I was doubly glad, then, that I decided to contact my master; I felt calmer already. For the first time in quite a while I felt that perhaps everything would truly work out for the best.
The earth shook.
Oh, no, I thought. Not now! The Netherhells couldn’t be attacking again!
But the quake was not repeated, at least not for a moment. And when it came a second time, it was again a single tremor, as if someone had made a mallet from a thousand trees and was pounding it slowly against the earth. It had to be something other than the Netherhells. Didn’t it? I could not see or hear outside of the dust cocoon. I hoped that whatever it was, it would allow me enough time to speak with Ebenezum.
The ground shook again, with such force that it knocked all three of us from our feet. Without Tap and Smarmy’s constant dancing, the dust cloud began to settle and our surroundings became dimly visible.
I did not at all like what I saw outside.
‘Buckles and laces!’
Tap and Smarmy saw it as well, and could do nothing more than stare, open-mouthed. The dust around us was almost gone.
‘Indeed!’ my master called. ‘Wuntvor -‘
But the spell was broken. And in its place stood the largest shoe I had ever seen, perhaps five times the size of the one that contained Ebenezum.
‘Is this Brownie Power?’ Smarmy said in awe.
Tap shook his head. ‘I believe this is even beyond us.’
I decided I should breathe again. But if this wasn’t Brownie Power, what was it? Then I noticed that the shoe was connected to a pants leg that rose into the sky.
There was another noise. It was either a mountain falling or the loudest voice I had ever heard, saying ‘Oops!’
‘What do you mean, oops?’ Touchy demanded.
I looked up, and I do mean up, at a figure whose hair brushed against the clouds. The tallest creature I had ever seen smiled apologetically and waved to his left.
‘I seem to have crushed this half of the forest,’ the giant replied, somewhat abashed.
‘Well, if you’d only stop dragging your feet!’ Nasty replied. ‘Can’t Mother Duck find any better help?’
‘Come on, fellows,’ the giant chided. ‘Is it my fault if they don’t build trees any bigger?’
‘The trees are perfectly fine for me,’ Snooty insisted.
‘Well, you still have all the rest of them. As you see I carefully placed my right foot in this clearing.’ The giant glanced back at his other foot, which was resting in the distance on a recently deforested hilltop. ‘Oops. Well, I’m afraid you’ve lost a few more. If only forests didn’t have trees so close together.’
‘So that’s why you’ve come here?’ Nasty demanded. ‘To destroy our homeland?’
‘On the contrary!’ the giant insisted. ‘Destruction is the farthest thing from my mind.’
‘Pity it isn’t the farthest thing from your feet,’ Nasty snapped.
‘Never mind,’ the giant rumbled. ‘I am here - on official business. You see, Mother Duck has heard that strangers have entered her domain. Strangers whom I must carry away!’
‘Strangers?’ Sickly coughed.
‘Not here!’ Noisy bellowed.
‘Begging your extremely enormous pardon,’ Smarmy added, ‘but we have seen no strangers. Rather, we have only been visited by our extremely close friend and his companions.’
‘Is that so?’ the giant mused. ‘No strangers? Then I suppose I must carry off an extremely close friend and his companions.’
‘No!’ all Seven Other Dwarves wailed together as they clustered around me. ‘You can’t take him!’
‘Ah.’ The giant smiled. ‘So this is their leader. That makes things simpler. He will be taken and questioned first.’
‘Oh, no, you don’t!’ Hubert the dragon shouted defiantly. ‘I’ll make Wuntvor glad that he included us on his quest. Take that, giant!’
The dragon reared to his full height and shot a lance of flame at the giant’s knee.
‘Oh. That feels good,’ the giant remarked as he gently picked up Hubert and placed him to one side. ‘Mayhaps when we have a little more time, I will have you play some fire over my sore shoulder.’
The giant reached for me. Each finger was the size of one of the trees he had just crushed. What should I do? I thought of drawing Cuthbert, but even if I could persuade the sword to emerge from its sheath, I doubted that the giant would feel much more than a pinprick no matter how I sliced and cut. He was huge! I had met giants before, but this fellow from the Eastern Kingdoms was three times the size of those we had in the west. Besides that, he was apparently in no mood to talk the situation over.
What could I do? I panicked and ran.
The giant’s hand cupped down before me, splintering the outer edge of the woods.
‘Excuse me,’ the giant apologized as he lifted me aloft, ‘but that’s what is going to happen if you try to get away.’
It was hopeless, then. I could only wait, a firm grip on my sword and pack so I would not lose them as the giant lifted me aloft between one huge thumb and forefinger. He placed me in the palm of his other hand.
‘Comfy?’ he asked.
‘But you can’t take him -‘ Smarmy began.
‘Sorry, but it’s been ordered by Mother Duck.’ The giant paused, surveying all those who stood in the clearing. ‘Would anyone care to question her?’
The dwarves all stared up at me, grim and silent.
‘Good. We are off, then.’
In a single stride we were out of sight of the others.
So I had been captured by a giant from the Eastern Kingdoms, to go to who knew what fate? For all I knew, this huge fellow was taking me to Mother Duck, which was where I wanted to go in the first place. Of course, there were those stories about the giant’s ovens that everyone kept going on about. Still, Ebenezum had told me to beware of rumors. Perhaps this situation was not as bad as it appeared.
‘Please answer one question,’ I ventured. ‘Does Mother Duck really take intruders and bake them into bread?’
‘Oh, that.’ The giant coughed gently into his free hand. ‘Let me put it to you this way. Which do you prefer, whole wheat or pumpernickel?’
‘Before I came to be in the service of the wizard Ebenezum, greatest mage in the Western Kingdoms, I sometimes thought of life as nothing but confusion, with the world a whirling ball of chaos in which anything could happen to you and, given sufficient time, probably would. Since I have become an apprentice, however, I have revised my views, and now consider my earlier worries and fears nothing more than a glimpse at everyday reality.’
SOME THOUGHTS ON APPRENTICESHIP, by Wuntvor, apprentice to Ebenezum, greatest mage in the Western Kingdoms
(a work in progress)
Whole wheat or pumpernickel?
No! It would not be! I rebelled at going to my death, completely powerless.
But I wasn’t completely powerless! My sword might not do any good against one so large, but I still had my pack, and within that pack was my Home Study Course! I soon had the pack off my back and the book in my hands. Now all I had to do was look up G in the index.
‘Eep!’ the ferret cried, jumping out of the pack and onto the giant’s hand.
‘Eh?’ the giant said. ‘What’s that? Oops!’
The hand fell away beneath me, and I fell with it. The ground rushed toward me with alarming speed. Both book and ferret went flying away.
I landed with a slap in the once again steady palm.
‘Sorry, there,’ the giant remarked. ‘Hope I didn’t shake you up too much. Didn’t see that cottage. Well, at least it used to be a cottage. But what were you doing? You weren’t trying to get away, were you?’
I glanced up at the giant. What could I do now?
I heard a tiny, tiny ‘eep’ from far below.
I wished there was something else, anything, that would save me from my doom. But the Home Study Course was gone, and my ferret, too. I shook the pack a final time in frustration, as if I might get some magical solution to mysteriously appear.
Into my hand fell a small sliver of wood. A sliver of wood that had been given to me in Vushta!
What could I do? I was desperate. Perhaps I could distract the giant long enough to attempt an escape. I held the toothpick out to him.
‘How about this?’ I challenged.
The giant laughed. ‘How about what? You are actually holding something? I cannot see your threat.’
I placed the toothpick in the palm of his free hand.
‘What is this? A tiny sliver of wood? Odds bodkins!’
The wood grew in the giant’s hand. It was then I remembered that this was no ordinary toothpick, but a weapon given to me by the wizards of Vushta!
The giant grasped the thing, which had grown to the size of a substantial tree trunk, between two great fingers.
“Tis a magical tooth pick!’ the giant cried in surprise. ‘Mayhaps I shall use this. I can feel some bread stuck between my molars.’
Smiling, the huge fellow brought the mystic wood to his enormous mouth. But he cried in surprise as the pick leapt from his hand, straight into his mouth!
‘What?’ the giant mumbled. ‘Methinks this wood has a mind of its own.’ He wrinkled his brow. ‘Oh, that feels good. No, not there! My gums are much too sensitive.’ He frowned. ‘I’ll put a stop to this!’
He reached around his teeth with the fingers of his free hand. ‘Where are you?’ He grunted. ‘Almost! The thing is bewitched. I will have it in a minute.’
He ceased to speak then, for a time, cocking his head this way and that and prodding about his jaws with various combinations of fingers. His movements became more frantic as the minutes passed.
‘It is only a toothpick,’ he said at last, pausing to calm himself. ‘I will get it free. If I could just rzzssmm.’
‘I beg your pardon?’ I asked politely.
The giant pulled his hands from his mouth. ‘Reach it. That’s what I said. If I could just reach it. But I am afraid I will need bff hrrzmms!’
‘I’m sorry?’ I asked.
The giant frowned down at me. I could tell he was getting annoyed. ‘Both handsl’ he repeated as he once again extricated his fingers from his mouth. ‘I will need both hands. Excuse me, I will have to put you down. There! A finger back here will do it. Almost. It’s stuck just behind this tooth. I’ll just dislodge it here and everything will be frsgglggsm.’
So it was that I found myself back on the ground again as the giant staggered away, both hands stuffed in his mouth. I was free! The weapons of Vushta had once again done their work. And speaking of weapons, I realized that I still carried Cuthbert, thrust through my belt. The sword, which seemed so ineffectual when I was in the grip of the giant, somehow appeared much more useful now that I was back on solid ground.
Now all I had to do was find my way back to my companions and the dwarves. I had no idea how far the giant had carried me, although I imagined he took half a mile in a step. How many steps had we gone? Ten? Twenty? Certainly not more than thirty.
I swallowed grimly. I could be quite some distance from my companions; half a day’s march or more. At least I knew the direction the giant had come from. Well, at least I thought I did. He had staggered around a bit as he tried to dislodge the enchanted toothpick. I would just have to make my best guess and hope I came across copses of ruined trees about the size of a giant’s footprint. Who knew? If I could retrace the giant’s footsteps, perhaps I might be able to regain the Home Study Course, and my ferret, too!
Clutching Cuthbert’s handle for reassurance, I set out into the forest in what I hoped was the correct direction.
The woods were thicker here than they had been where we met the dwarves. The trees overhead blocked out what little evening light remained, save for a faint, rosy glow to the west, and I had to be careful not to run into tree trunks or what scraggly underbrush grew in the darkness. I could recognize no landmarks, for the giant had carried me here far above the trees. At last, despairing of having to walk through inky blackness, I drew forth Cuthbert. I would need his light to proceed farther, and with the sun gone, we would have to guess at the direction of our companions.
‘Where are we?’ the sword whispered once I had drawn him forth.
I told Cuthbert that I did not know exactly. We had to find our companions, and I would need his light.
‘A civilized response,’ the sword replied as it glowed obligingly. ‘There has been so much shouting and movement of late, that it is nice to have a few moments of quiet. It seems as though, lately, every time I’ve been drawn, it’s to fight some sort of monster or hideous demon. I tell you, it’s enough to make a poor sword paranoid.’
‘Well,’ I replied, ‘all you have to do for now is light my way. I assure you that we are quite alone.’
But as soon as I finished speaking, a wind sprang up, a chill night wind that turned my clothes to ice against my chest and legs.
‘What’s that?’ Cuthbert cried.
The sword was answered by a chuckle so dry it would drain the water from a stone.
‘Yes, Wuntvor,’ the same dry voice rasped, ‘you are alone, for the first time in ever so long.’
I knew who it was even before I spun Cuthbert about to illuminate his skull-like visage.
‘Is that who I think it is?’ the sword whimpered.
Death sighed, the sound of winter’s coldest gale.
‘Ah,’ he said, ‘alone at last with the Eternal Apprentice.’
What was he talking about? Even now I was not without companions. I held one in my hand.
‘No, I am not alone!’ I shook Cuthbert at Death. ‘I have my sword!’
‘Leave me out of this!’ Cuthbert wailed.
Death chuckled again. ‘Is this what you call a companion? A magic sword? No, I am sorry, apprentice, to escape my touch you will need more than an inanimate object.’ Death shrugged back the sleeves of his robes to reveal his white-bone arms. ‘But there is nothing I can say today that you have not heard before. You are mine now. Don’t you think it’s time we went to my domain?’
238 Crai’g Shaw Gardner
Death stepped towards me. He reached out a skeleton hand. I took a hasty step away, waving Cuthbert wildly before me.
‘There are other uses for a sword!’ I cried, desperate for some defense.
Death laughed. ‘Poor child. Neither can you hope to kill me. Death, my dear apprentice, holds a monopoly on killing.’
Cuthbert whimpered again, and shook in my hand. ‘No, you don’t!’ I exclaimed, saying anything that came into my mind that might give me another few seconds of life. ‘You’ve called me the Eternal Apprentice! And you know I have companions! And uh . . . I’m sure they’ll come and join me any second now!’
‘That means we’ll have to hurry, doesn’t it?’ Death grinned. ‘Come to me now, and the Eternal Apprentice shall be mine at last.’
But a streak of reddish-brown leapt between Death’s bony legs!
‘Eep! Eep!’the streak exclaimed. My heart leapt within my chest. My ferret had found me!
‘Oh, come now, Wuntvor,’ Death remarked, the slightest trace of irritation entering his sepulchral tones. ‘You know a ferret is not much of a companion either. If I am already taking the Eternal Apprentice, I do not think it would bother the cosmic forces overmuch if I were to take one tiny ferret as well.’
I took a deep breath, knowing that Death’s words should lead me to despair. But my hope had sprung anew. My ferret had found me much faster than I had thought possible. Perhaps I was not as far away from my other companions as I had imagined.
‘But quickly, now,’ Death intoned. ‘I have other deaths to attend to.’
His bony fingers leapt at me with astonishing speed. I reacted with a yell, lost my balance, and fell to the forest floor. Death’s fingers closed above me.
‘Come!’ Death commanded. ‘This is childish! You are delaying the -‘
For one brief instant the night around me was turned to day.
‘There you are!’ sang a voice from above.
I would recognize that raspy baritone anywhere. The light in the sky was Hubert’s dragon fire! I saw the great wings spread wide as Hubert circled for a landing.
Death screamed the agonies of a thousand souls. ‘I will not be thwarted again! I will have you nowl Though it may threaten the cosmic balance, I shall take ferret, and dragon, and apprentice, too!’ One hand still reached for me. With the other, he pointed to Hubert. ‘Come now. In an instant it shall be done.’
‘What’s going on here?’ the dragon asked as he landed. ‘It certainly looks dramatic.’
‘Dragon! Ferret! Apprentice!’ Death opened his jaw to shout: ‘I TAKE YOU N -‘
‘There you are!’ half a dozen voices shouted at once. And all about me, stepping out of the woods, were my companions, with Norei at their center!
Something that felt like the north wind but sounded like a scream of rage stopped everyone where they stood. Then the gale was over as suddenly as it had begun. I turned around and Death was gone.
Hubert was the first to break the silence.
‘Yes,’ the dragon whispered. ‘That certainly was dramatic.’
‘Indeed,’ I replied, somewhat shaken by the incident myself. I looked to the others, half expecting Alea and the unicorn to rush me at any moment with new protestations of affection. And what of Norei?
‘Hello, Wuntvor,’ Norei said as she walked towards me. All the others, Alea and the unicorn included, kept their distance. ‘We were rather worried about you.’
‘Indeed?’ I replied ‘Urn . . .’
‘It all started,’ Norei continued when it became evident that I could not finish my thought, ‘when I detected some errant magic in the area. I’m still not sure exactly what it was - well, it might have been an airborne love potion; either that or something to do with animal husbandry. At least that’s what I think the spell was. Frankly, it was so awkward and diffuse that it was hard to tell. Somehow, though, the spell reminded me of you.’ She laid a reassuring hand upon my shoulder. ‘Not that I think of you as awkward’ - she paused, then smiled - ‘except perhaps in an endearing sort of way.’
I did not know what to say. Norei was speaking to me again!’
‘Indeed,’ I whispered hoarsely.
‘And it’s lucky I came along when I did,’ Norei added. ‘Can you imagine, not only had you been spirited away by a giant, but it did turn out to be a love potion after all, and all these around us had been affected! Well, the spell was so clumsy that it was simplicity itself to remove it, but then we had to rescue you as well.’
‘Doom,’ Hendrek interjected. ‘Luckily, something seemed to happen to the giant’s sense of direction. We spotted him soon after we set about our search, stumbling about, back towards our camp. But you no longer seemed to be with him. Hubert went on ahead, to see if he could spot you.’
‘Which I did within a matter of moments,’ Hubert remarked proudly. ‘It’s my theater-trained senses, you know. I can always smell out an audience.’
‘Indeed,’ I said at last. ‘I thank you all.’
‘I should say you should thank us!’ Nasty sneered.
‘Why do we always have to be the ones to go and rescue people?’ Touchy demanded.
Sickly coughed. Noisy dropped something. So Norei really had counteracted my spell. Things, apparently, were back to normal.
‘But how have you fared in finding Mother Duck?’ Norei asked.
‘Indeed,’ I replied, grinning at Norei. I could not take my eyes off her! ‘We are very close.’ How welcome a sight was her fire-tinged hair, her eyes of deepest green. ‘The dwarves assure me of that.’ How many times had I longed for this vision! ‘Urn, could we talk alone for a minute?’
‘Well, I suppose so, if you insist.’ Norei’s smile broadened as she spoke.
I insisted, and told the others Norei and I needed a few minutes for a conference. The two of us walked through the trees until we were out of sight of our numerous companions.
‘Norei,’ I whispered. I took her hand and drew her to me. It had been ever so long!
‘Is this, perhaps, a new definition of the word conference?’ she began sternly. But then she laughed. ‘I have missed you, too, Wunt -‘
The quake came before she had time to finish her sentence.
‘Oh, no!’ I cried. “Tis the Netherhells!’
But it was much more than that, for at that moment there came a great crashing from the bushes. Were my companions rushing to join me?
And then there was a knife at my throat.
Grott and Slag stepped out from behind the knife-wielding Vermin.
‘Ah,’ Grott sneered. ‘We are so happy that you have found a quiet spot at last. We hope the young lady doesn’t mind if we have a little talk?’
‘Indeed,’ I replied. ‘This young lady is a witch.’
Grott and Slag got a good laugh out of that one.
‘Yeah,’ Grott added. ‘And I’m the great wizard Ebenezum!’
‘Yeah,’ Slag remarked. ‘Great.’
There was another quake beneath our feet, much worse than the last.
‘Indeed,’ I said when the quake had run its course. ‘And do you realize that we are about to be attacked by the Netherhells?’
Slag and Grott thought that that particular comment was even more hilarious.
‘Look,’ Grott said, wiping the tears from his eyes. ‘Your pitiful attempts at distracting us are too funny for words. What are you going to tell us next, that our shoes are untied?’
‘Yeah.’ Slag glanced hastily at his feet. ‘Shoes.’
Grott frowned. ‘Well, perhaps that was a bad example. Anyway, all this talk is distracting us from our real purpose. We’ve come to collect the seventeen hundred pieces of gold you owe us.’
‘Seventeen hundred?’ I exclaimed.
‘And twenty-five,’ Grott added. ‘That’s right. Seventeen hundred and twenty-five pieces of gold. Unless, of course, you’ve come up with a cure for our masters?’
‘Wuntvor?’ Norei turned to me. ‘Who are these people?’
That’s when the earth tremors really started. Vermin fell to the ground, almost losing his knife. The rest of us soon followed.
When the dust cleared, we saw a table, behind which sat five demons.
‘Oh, my,’ Grott commented. ‘You weren’t kidding about a Netherhells attack, were you?’
‘Point of order!’ The small, somewhat undernourished demon at the far end of the table turned to regard the larger fellow who held the gavel. ‘Exactly where are we?’
The larger demon pounded his gavel. ‘We are in the presence of magic!’
‘Where?’ his undernourished comrade barked. ‘All this time you’ve been saying “I know where Vushta is!” But have you been able to get us there?’
Grott stepped rapidly to my side. ‘Uh, about those seventeen hundred and fifty pieces of gold - I suppose we could negotiate.’
The other three demons behind the table were becoming restive as well, grumbling as their two fellows continued their argument.
‘I tell you,’ the gavel demon insisted, ‘I came here because I was following a spell.’
‘Of course!’ the undernourished fiend shouted, shaking a finger at the other’s gavel. ‘You don’t mention it was the only spell you managed to find since we started looking. You also didn’t mention that, of all things, it was a love-potion spell!’
‘Not necessarily,’ the gavel demon said defensively. ‘The spell could have had something to do with animal husbandry.’
Grott tore his gaze away from the fighting demons long enough to glance at Norei. His pale complexion became paler still. ‘Uh ...” he began hesitantly, ‘Wuntvor, old comrade, you were joking when you mentioned Norei was a witch?’
‘Indeed,’ I answered, ‘no.’
‘Indeed?’ Grott replied. ‘Well, about those eighteen hundred and fifty pieces of gold . . . Perhaps we can agree on some sort of time-payment scheme.’
‘Wuntvor?’ Norei asked. ‘What do you want me to do with these, uh . . . people?’
Before I was able to reply, I was interrupted by a particularly loud quarrel among two of the demons. After a moment the three other fiends managed to pull them apart.
‘Hey,’ one of the noncombatants asked, ‘why are we fighting each other? There are humans over there!’
‘That’s right!’ another demon wearing a flowered hat added. ‘And some of them probably know the way to Vushta!’
‘Does that mean we can’t eat them?’ asked the only demon who hadn’t spoken.
‘Of course not,’ the flower-hatted fiend replied. ‘We have to find out where Vushta is. Then we can eat them.’
‘Let’s just say you owe us nineteen hundred pieces of gold,’ Grott said hastily. ‘We’ll discuss the exact terms when we’re back in Vushta. Slag? Vermin?’
Unfortunately, Vermin took the mention of his name as a signal that it was once again time to take a memento from somewhere in the vicinity of my nose. He leapt for me with his knife as Norei barked a short, guttural spell. A tiny whirlwind sprang up around the three apprentices, spinning them away.
‘Wuntvor!’ Grott screamed above the wind. ‘That’s nineteen hundred and twenty-five you owe -‘
They spun into the arms of the committee.
‘Do you think these three will do?’ the flower-hatted demon asked as they grabbed the Vushtans.
The undernourished demon chewed and swallowed Vermin’s knife. ‘Umm. Tasty.’
‘Fine,’ the gavel demon ordered. ‘Toss them into the hole.’
Grott wrenched his head around to give me a final glance as he was pushed into the pit.
‘Remember, Wuntvor, two thousand and fifty -‘ Then his voice was lost in the distance. Slag and Vermin quickly followed.
‘Now,’ the gavel demon continued,’ I think it’s time we got down to some serious blood boiling.’
‘What’s going on here?’ a voice called out of the woods behind us. It was a woman’s voice, as full of authority as that of my master. I knew who that voice belonged to even before I saw the bonnet and the high-buttoned shoes.
It was Mother Duck. She was a woman of middle age, rather tall, almost my size, and imposingly built as well. Everything about her, from the way she surveyed the crowd before her to the bold way she marched among us, said that she was a woman used to command.
The rest of my companions and the Seven Other Dwarves all rushed to join us.
‘Doom,’ Hendrekremarked. “TistheNetherhells.’
‘Yeah,’ Snarks added. ‘Don’t you guys know when to quit?’
‘I think we should boil that demon’s blood first.’ The undernourished fiend pointed at Snarks.
Snarks started to shake as the Netherhells committee concentrated.
‘Buckles and laces!’ Tap exclaimed. ‘Could this get any worse?’
There was an explosion in our midst. Tap moaned.
‘It’s . . .’ he managed weakly after a moment, ‘it’s his Brownieship!’
‘No thanks to you,’ his Brownieship stated darkly.
‘Excuse me,’ Norei mentioned, ‘but certainly we should consider helping Snarks before the demons boil his blood?’
Norei had a point. Things had been happening so fast in the past few moments that I hadn’t had time to react the way a leader should.
‘Companions!’ I called to those around me. ‘Forward! We must save Snarks from the committee!’
Hubert asked if I was absolutely sure about that, but even he joined the fray. The demons were badly outnumbered, what with Hendrek and his club, Guxx and his claws, Hubert and his dragon fire, not to mention Brax and any number of previously owned weapons. Then Norei joined in with her magic while Alea and the dwarves threw rocks to distract the fiends. It was time for me to talk quickly with Mother Duck.
‘Indeed!’ I called to the gray-haired lady. ‘I have traveled from far Vushta to seek your help.’
‘But wait!’ his Brownieship interrupted. ‘You have not heard my urgent message!’
‘I am sorry,” I replied, ‘but there is no time just now. Mother Duck -‘
I was interrupted by the descent of a giant shoe, crushing at least a dozen trees.
‘Oops,’ the giant remarked.
‘Richard!’ Mother Duck looked up at the large fellow. ‘I’m glad you finally found us. Is this the one?’
Richard the giant peered down at me. ‘The one with the toothpick? Yes.’ He kicked his foot petulantly. Another two dozen trees met their untimely end. ‘Pumpernickel and whole wheat are too good for him. I think we should make him raisin toast!’
‘Now, now, Richard,’ Mother Duck chided. ‘I have other plans.’
‘Are you sure you don’t want to hear my pronouncement?’ his Brownieship inquired.
‘Oh, listen to him!’ Tap entreated. ‘Please listen to him!’
His Brownieship glared at Tap. ‘I used to know a Brownie once who looked a lot like you. Of course, he would have waited in Vushta for me.’
Tap moaned something about his eyelets being lost forever. I couldn’t stand to see the little fellow in such pain. I would let his Brownieship make his pronouncement as soon as I introduced myself to Mother Duck.
‘I will be with you in one second,’ I assured the Brownies.
‘Indeed,’ I continued. ‘Mother Duck, as I was saying, I have come here from far-distant Vushta to seek your aid on behalf of my master, Ebenezum, and all the other magicians at the great Wizards College.’
‘Aid?’ Mother Duck asked. ‘What sort of aid?’
I explained to her about the Netherhells plans to take over the surface world, culminating with the attack going on behind us even as we spoke.
‘That?’ Mother Duck shook her head curtly. ‘I can take care of that.’ She marched smartly off in the direction of the fighting.
I looked back to his Brownieship. ‘Now,’ I said, ‘I can hear your pronouncement.’
‘Wha -‘ His Brownieship tore his gaze away from the giant’s enormous shoe. ‘Sorry. What wonders one finds in the outside world. Nice stitching, too.’ He reached inside his jerkin to retrieve a small roll of parchment, then glanced up at me and cleared his throat.
‘A Brownie Pronouncement.’
His Brownieship unrolled the scroll and read:
‘To Whom It May Concern: Be it known that through certain arcane and difficult procedures known only to the ancient and revered society of Brownies, we have determined a fact of utmost importance that we believe has great impact on whatever quests are currently in progress. To be more specific, we have uncovered certain facts regarding Mother Duck. To be even more specific, these facts concern Mother Duck and the recent treaty she has signed with the forces of the Netherhells, dividing the soon-to-be conquered surface world into two kingdoms, one ruled by demons, the other by Mother Duck. For this reason, your proposed overtures to Mother Duck would seem . . .’
The Brownie’s voice died as Mother Duck returned.
‘It’s been taken care of,’ she remarked dryly. ‘Even demons know that if anything happens in the Eastern Kingdoms, it is done by me.’
‘Oh, most certainly, Mother Duck,’ Smarmy agreed as he ran after her. ‘Anything you want us to do, Mother Duck?’
‘I was going to ask her that!’ Touchy blurted.
‘If anyone should be asking things of Mother Duck -‘ Snooty began.
‘Of course!’ Mother Duck interrupted her dwarves with a smile. ‘Mother Duck has things for everyone to do. Now, why don’t you be good little dwarves and gather together all the other intruders. They are now our prisoners!’
‘Certainly, Mother Duck!’ the dwarves shouted more or less together before they ran off to capture my companions. But then we would be prisoners of allies of the Netherhells! What could I do?’
‘Indeed,’ I began, ‘perhaps you did not -‘
The woman turned to regard me with her penetrating blue eyes, as clear as a bright winter sky. ‘Mother Duck has things for everyone to do,’ she repeated.
‘Indeed,’ I tried again, ‘but if you would only listen -‘
‘Mother Duck wants you to be quiet,’ she interrupted again. ‘Richard, if you would?’
The giant’s hand scooped me up from behind, knocking my legs out from under me. I found myself once again in the giant’s palm, a hundred feet above the earth.
‘Where do I take him?’ Richard rumbled. ‘To the bakery?’
‘Oh, no, no,’ Mother Duck chortled happily. ‘You’ll have to do without your bread, at least for a little while. Once I found out that this fellow was the Eternal Apprentice, why, my plans for him changed ever so much.’ She clapped her hands gleefully. ‘Oh, my. Mother Duck is going to have such fun!’
‘To the Storybook, then?’ Richard asked.
‘Oh, yes, the Storybook!’ She laughed brightly. ‘Take him there at once, my lovely giant and my energetic dwarves!’
‘To the Storybook,’ Richard repeated, stepping carefully away from Mother Duck, heading, I assumed, deeper into the Eastern Kingdoms. We were soon out of sight of all the others.
‘Indeed!’ I called up to the giant. ‘What is this Storybook?’
The giant shrugged his massive shoulders. ‘You probably would have preferred the bakery,’ is all he would say. And he continued to carry me off into the night.
I sat back down in the giant’s palm, helpless, at least for the moment, to alter my fate. There were so many questions: Would I see my companions again? Would I get a chance to talk to Mother Duck and somehow show her the error of her ways? Would I even live long enough to see tomorrow’s sunrise?
‘And what,’ I whispered aloud, ‘about Norei?’
Yet as dramatic as all these queries were, they paled before the one question that would not leave my head:
This time, had I failed my master forever?